The IVF coordinator called at the crack of dawn to go over the timeline and treatments. I was barely coherent but managed to write everything down and become more overwhelmed about the additional costs and how often I’ll have to go up to HRC to get checked on. My car is going to increase in mileage just from cancer!
Anyway, the bf and I headed up there at noon for our blood tests (he also needed to provide an ahem…semen analysis) and to go over the thirty page consent form. Everything was going well until we had a meltdown in the car over intimacy issues. I’m sure this is a common thing, but he’s worried about making things worse or hurting me in my state. Obviously, that’s not our only issues but in my state of feeling so ugly and unattractive, and him telling me that the excitement is not there anymore, I couldn’t stop crying. The main problem is still with his own physical issues, but everything combined together, along with knowing that soon I won’t even want to have sex is making me filled with despair. It’s been one time in the past two months. And I don’t see that improving any time soon. ☹
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Day 18 – 10/27/09 Tuesday
Today we met with the fertility doctor. Can we say SOOOOO SURREAL? The bf and I have barely been together two years, not married yet and now we are planning our freezing our future children.
Day 17 – 10/26/09 Monday
Met with the oncologist today. She seems so young but super knowledgeable. It was an overwhelming amount of information to take in. The good news is I won’t have to be sequestered away to a sterile environment and move home. The bad news is that it’s going to last a LONG time. Six to eight months. I was thinking three to four. The hair loss will be a certainty. I won’t be able to eat fresh fruit and veggies. Need to avoid crowded places and sick people. Mainly the bf needs to take care of himself and not get sick.
I started telling more people tonight. First it was my brother, who responded with a very loud “WHAT?!!!!!” and then made me well up with tears with how concerned and tender he was. Since he was leaving on a business trip for the week, he offered to be on speakerphone when I told our parents this weekend.
I started telling more people tonight. First it was my brother, who responded with a very loud “WHAT?!!!!!” and then made me well up with tears with how concerned and tender he was. Since he was leaving on a business trip for the week, he offered to be on speakerphone when I told our parents this weekend.
Day 16 – 10/25/09 Sunday
Heading back home today. I don’t want to get back too late for fear that my parents will see how ravaged I get late at night in the car after a few hours. After a week of nature, fresh air, little people, Vegas and its smoke and people was a horrible assault on the senses. (Not to mention scaring us hypochondriacs about germs and colds!) We just holed up in the room the rest of the night and morning, ordering room service instead of going downstairs. Ugh.
Day 15 – 10/24/09 Saturday
We’re both a little sad since the trip is coming to an end and all the fun national park stuff is behind us. Back to facing the harsh reality of diagnosis and treatment on Monday.
The mood is also sad because after visiting Bf’s childhood friend and her family, it made him want a family more. It’s not that it’s impossible for us, but it’s definitely going to be harder, even before having to face toxic chemicals ravaging my body.
BF is also worried about the H1N1 outbreak and how it’s the worst time for my immunity system to be compromised. It makes me wonder if I should move home since it will be farther away from people, more space and definitely cleaner and more sterile, not to mention 24/7 mom care. However it means living at home, not getting to see BF and just plain stuck out there. Sigh. I guess we should hold off on any decisions until Monday.
The mood is also sad because after visiting Bf’s childhood friend and her family, it made him want a family more. It’s not that it’s impossible for us, but it’s definitely going to be harder, even before having to face toxic chemicals ravaging my body.
BF is also worried about the H1N1 outbreak and how it’s the worst time for my immunity system to be compromised. It makes me wonder if I should move home since it will be farther away from people, more space and definitely cleaner and more sterile, not to mention 24/7 mom care. However it means living at home, not getting to see BF and just plain stuck out there. Sigh. I guess we should hold off on any decisions until Monday.
Day 14 – 10/23/09 Friday
Oh stupid lymph nodes why do you ache so much so? I did most of the driving from Yellowstone to Salt Lake City since BF drove all day for over 6 hours inside the park yesterday. However that exhausted me so much I had to pass out at the hotel. Well, actually the BF insisted I take a nap while he got me some food and took care of the laundry. I don’t know why I put up an argument… I think it’s hard for me to realize that I can’t take care of everything anymore and that that’s the way it’s gonna be for a little while.
Day 13 - 10/22/09 Thursday
We spent nearly 12 hours in the park and it was tough today. Not only because I got so easily winded from walking around the sites but because it was so freakin cold. At one point, I was so thoroughly chilled I HAD to have a hot beverage before I shut down. I know I’m worrying the boyfriend since I’m so easily fatigued and have extreme temperature changes myself.
The lymph nodes under my arm are the size of small kumquats. It’s disgustingly frightening and really uncomfortably tender. I can barely put my arms down by my side. I feel like a freak.
I had a dream last night that I was at the hospital and the technician told me I was at stage 3. When I told him the chronology of my illness, he started getting upset and tearing up. Then the doctor came over and told me that actually I was at stage 4 and that it had spread all through a few of my organs. I was so scared, sad and angry.
This likely stemmed from the discussion I had with the bf right before I passed out to sleep. (I’ve been so exhausted by this trip and in general.) I asked him point blank if it felt like I had been deteriorating the past couple of weeks physically, even before the trip or the diagnosis. And he said yes. It scared him and he tried not to think about it too much.
I felt like the deterioration coincided with the diagnosis. Maybe it’s psychological? Maybe it’s the tapering down of prednisone? Maybe it’s the exhaustion of being in different climates and extreme weathers? Or maybe it’s the exhaustion of all the driving and hiking around? Bf said no, you have slowly been getting worse.
The lymph nodes under my arm are the size of small kumquats. It’s disgustingly frightening and really uncomfortably tender. I can barely put my arms down by my side. I feel like a freak.
I had a dream last night that I was at the hospital and the technician told me I was at stage 3. When I told him the chronology of my illness, he started getting upset and tearing up. Then the doctor came over and told me that actually I was at stage 4 and that it had spread all through a few of my organs. I was so scared, sad and angry.
This likely stemmed from the discussion I had with the bf right before I passed out to sleep. (I’ve been so exhausted by this trip and in general.) I asked him point blank if it felt like I had been deteriorating the past couple of weeks physically, even before the trip or the diagnosis. And he said yes. It scared him and he tried not to think about it too much.
I felt like the deterioration coincided with the diagnosis. Maybe it’s psychological? Maybe it’s the tapering down of prednisone? Maybe it’s the exhaustion of being in different climates and extreme weathers? Or maybe it’s the exhaustion of all the driving and hiking around? Bf said no, you have slowly been getting worse.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)