Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Day 41 – 11/19/09 Thursday
Bwak Bwak! Egg harvesting done! I feel so much better now that I’m off all those hormones. I mean I still feel run down from the usual lymphoma symptoms but I feel a good 80% better. Well, except that I’m super constipated thanks to those drugs. And slightly crampy and lightheaded.
Day 38 – 11/16/09 Monday
Stage 2B!!! Thank god it didn’t spread. Yes, radiation on the chest will probably not be fun either, but at least no bone marrow issues. Surgery is on Thursday and chemo is on Monday. It’s finally real. And I’m still mainly just scared by the damn needles. And stressed by the bf’s fragile state of mind and health.
I ache so much. But at least the anti-nausea medicine is doing its job and I’m keeping down food. I’m so sick of feeling this way and I can see how this could mentally wear me down eventually. I need to know that it’s going to get better but I don’t think it will. I think some things might be better (no more stupid swollen lymph nodes) but I can’t even imagine what I might end up facing. I don’t want to use the bf’s downer scenario because I don’t think it will be like that. What I should do is talk to other patients and join a support group but I’m too run down.
I ache so much. But at least the anti-nausea medicine is doing its job and I’m keeping down food. I’m so sick of feeling this way and I can see how this could mentally wear me down eventually. I need to know that it’s going to get better but I don’t think it will. I think some things might be better (no more stupid swollen lymph nodes) but I can’t even imagine what I might end up facing. I don’t want to use the bf’s downer scenario because I don’t think it will be like that. What I should do is talk to other patients and join a support group but I’m too run down.
Day 35 – 11/13/09 Friday
I’m falling behind with these journal entries. It’s been a rough week. Not only are the fevers and chills getting worse from the cancer, but now I have nausea and cramps from the hormones. This whole IVF treatment started out ok, but with each shot, every night, I feel worse and worse. Probably because I’m being pumped so full of estrogen, the doctor told me today that I’m equivalent to a pregnant lady. That explains the loss of appetite and throwing up of last night’s dinner. I sipped Gatorade and ginger ale all day, along with munching on Hawaiian bread. When I finally decided to have some dinner of chicken pho, it felt so good to eat it… now I feel slightly nauseous again. Sigh. My digestive system is completely out of whack.
I’ll be so happy when then this IVF treatment is over. Of course that means the beginning of chemo, which is beginning to really dawn on me. I’m slightly freaked out by it now that’s nearing. I was looking forward to it so I could start getting better, but I know it won’t be that easy.
What I am thankful for lately are my wonderful friends who have brought me food, helped me to get food, and just kept me company at home, especially since the bf has been working late all week. I thought I would really need them when treatment started, but I can’t believe how run down I’ve already become. Getting up and moving around is an effort. It is so frustrating to feel so crappy all the time.
I’ll be so happy when then this IVF treatment is over. Of course that means the beginning of chemo, which is beginning to really dawn on me. I’m slightly freaked out by it now that’s nearing. I was looking forward to it so I could start getting better, but I know it won’t be that easy.
What I am thankful for lately are my wonderful friends who have brought me food, helped me to get food, and just kept me company at home, especially since the bf has been working late all week. I thought I would really need them when treatment started, but I can’t believe how run down I’ve already become. Getting up and moving around is an effort. It is so frustrating to feel so crappy all the time.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Day 27 – 11/5/09 Thursday
This morning, I had a sonogram of my heart taken and PET and CT scans of my entire upper body. It was a long morning and not the most enjoyable thing, but I’m crossing my fingers that nothing is lighting up where it’s not supposed to. I’m really hoping the cancer hasn’t spread but sometimes I worry since I feel so crappy most of the time. I feel myself deteriorating each day – the sweating and fevers are getting worse, getting more fatigued, and everything aches.
I know chemo will start in possibly 2 weeks and we just have to get through this egg harvesting thing, but 2 weeks of feeling this crappy or getting worse than I already am, is a bit frightening.
I can’t even remember the last time I felt good anymore. Everything aches. My back aches from the biopsy, my neck aches from all the swollen lymph nodes, and my head just randomly aches from time to time.
I was thinking today how difficult this must be for the bf. Being the caretaker for someone who is sick is much worse because you’re kind of helpless to do anything and have to cater to the sick person. I was thinking if the roles were reversed, I’d be so stressed and miserable.
I know chemo will start in possibly 2 weeks and we just have to get through this egg harvesting thing, but 2 weeks of feeling this crappy or getting worse than I already am, is a bit frightening.
I can’t even remember the last time I felt good anymore. Everything aches. My back aches from the biopsy, my neck aches from all the swollen lymph nodes, and my head just randomly aches from time to time.
I was thinking today how difficult this must be for the bf. Being the caretaker for someone who is sick is much worse because you’re kind of helpless to do anything and have to cater to the sick person. I was thinking if the roles were reversed, I’d be so stressed and miserable.
Day 26 – 11/4/09 Wednesday
Nights and mornings are getting so hard for me. I get extremely fatigued, but then I can’t sleep well thanks to those f’in night sweats. Except they’re not just night sweats. They’re afternoon, morning, and whenever I try to sleep sweats.
I also chopped off my hair today and I actually really like it. Having that weight off of me will help me not exhaust myself blow drying and brushing my damn mane. AND hopefully it will help with the massive sweating.
I’m almost looking forward to chemo now as I’m so sick of sweating and being so achy from these ginormously swollen lymph nodes. It’s like popcorn erupted around my neck.
I also chopped off my hair today and I actually really like it. Having that weight off of me will help me not exhaust myself blow drying and brushing my damn mane. AND hopefully it will help with the massive sweating.
I’m almost looking forward to chemo now as I’m so sick of sweating and being so achy from these ginormously swollen lymph nodes. It’s like popcorn erupted around my neck.
Day 24 – 11/2/09 Monday
Today I got a bone marrow biopsy, which if possible, no one should get twice in their life. It wasn’t the sharp pain I was expecting, but it’s a different kind of uncomfortable down to the core type of pain. Let’s just say I could feel it through my leg when she went through the bone marrow.
I’m still loving the oncologist, who seems more like a stylish fashion designer than a doctor. She has a great bedside manner and was very chatty to distract me from the biopsy. She also wants me to start chemo as soon as possible, as soon as the fertility doctor clears me. This means chemo is happening in possibly less than 3 weeks, right before Thanksgiving. NO giant feast for me!
I’m still loving the oncologist, who seems more like a stylish fashion designer than a doctor. She has a great bedside manner and was very chatty to distract me from the biopsy. She also wants me to start chemo as soon as possible, as soon as the fertility doctor clears me. This means chemo is happening in possibly less than 3 weeks, right before Thanksgiving. NO giant feast for me!
Day 22 – 10/31/09 Saturday
We told my parents today. It wasn’t how I planned but it probably turned out better than I thought. I ended up telling my dad first during the afternoon. He looked so sad but took it in and wanted to read up on it as much as possible.
The bf and I ended up meeting our friends for lunch and some shopping and car racing for the afternoon. When we got home, my dad whispered to me that he hadn’t said anything to mom. He also advised holding off till after dinner so that she wouldn’t lose her appetite. When we finally told her after dinner, she also took it much better than I thought she would. No freaking out, no getting angry… She also just wanted to know as much as she could.
After the initial questions, my parents just kept telling stories and chatting with the bf and me. I think it made them feel better to just talk about other things. The bf has just been a champ throughout the whole process. So patient and accommodating… I really lucked out.
The bf and I ended up meeting our friends for lunch and some shopping and car racing for the afternoon. When we got home, my dad whispered to me that he hadn’t said anything to mom. He also advised holding off till after dinner so that she wouldn’t lose her appetite. When we finally told her after dinner, she also took it much better than I thought she would. No freaking out, no getting angry… She also just wanted to know as much as she could.
After the initial questions, my parents just kept telling stories and chatting with the bf and me. I think it made them feel better to just talk about other things. The bf has just been a champ throughout the whole process. So patient and accommodating… I really lucked out.
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