Sixth session of chemo done! Two more to go! Maybe today was a bad vein, but today was definitely one of the tougher chemo sessions. The vein hurt again when I was infused with dacabarzine. I also started getting nauseous and experiencing that metal spoon taste in my mouth before I was even done with chemo. It must be that cumulative effect. I’m soooooo glad it’s almost over.
Tired and stressed as he was, the bf picked up dinner and surprised me with some Pinkberry. ☺ He also managed to coordinate with my dad and meet up in the afternoon so that my dad could drop off more of mom’s food for us. It’s time like these I have to stop and make sure I don’t take any of these efforts from my loved ones for granted.
My childhood friend, R, took a day off to take me to chemo and we caught up on the past year’s events. We hadn’t seen each other in a year and unfortunately (or fortunately!) the first time we’re meeting up again is for her to drive me to a chemo session. She cracked me up – to get everyone off her back at work and allow her to come with me, she used the whole “I’m taking my friend to chemo” to make everyone feel bad and leave her alone. Hey, glad to be of service! Whatever works.
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Day 53 12/1/09 Tuesday
Completely incapacitated today due to (of all things) horrible debilitating cramps. I was in so much pain last night that I couldn’t sleep. Tylenol is a joke.
The IVF treatment messed up my cycle and it’s as if my cramps and period came back with a vengeance of being suppressed for the last few years by the pill. I can’t wait to get back on the pill this weekend.
Can’t take ibuprofen because it’s a blood thinner, Tylenol is not strong enough, and Darvoset only seems to help a bit but make me all sweaty like I’m breaking a fever. This is going to be a looooong week if my period goes all week like it used to.
Hey to top it off, I’m extra emotional too. Whoopeeee! Can’t stop crying and I think I’m driving the bf away since emotions scare the crap out of him.
On a bright note, as I sat bawling on the couch this afternoon, Wavy IMed me just in the nick of time. AND a FedEx guy ran the doorbell with a get well gift from two of friends. Thank goodness for great friends.
The IVF treatment messed up my cycle and it’s as if my cramps and period came back with a vengeance of being suppressed for the last few years by the pill. I can’t wait to get back on the pill this weekend.
Can’t take ibuprofen because it’s a blood thinner, Tylenol is not strong enough, and Darvoset only seems to help a bit but make me all sweaty like I’m breaking a fever. This is going to be a looooong week if my period goes all week like it used to.
Hey to top it off, I’m extra emotional too. Whoopeeee! Can’t stop crying and I think I’m driving the bf away since emotions scare the crap out of him.
On a bright note, as I sat bawling on the couch this afternoon, Wavy IMed me just in the nick of time. AND a FedEx guy ran the doorbell with a get well gift from two of friends. Thank goodness for great friends.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Day 52 11/30/09 Monday
It’s been a good day. I couldn’t sleep all night due to anxiety from the blood test this morning, but I had THE BEST phlebotomist ever who managed to calm me down by chatting about cheeseburgers, found a vein, and drew blood in 20 seconds flat. Ed. How I love thee. I told him I’m going back to him every time.
(I was completely traumatized by Wednesday’s encounter at the Santa Monica Labcorp – nearly 3 hours and five painful sticks that left my poor arms black and blue. I HATE them. I was in tears when I got home.)
After the morning nausea and anxiety, I was so relieved the rest of the day that I managed to be more productive than I have been in a long time. I actually went out to lunch and ate out with a good friend. Delicious!!! Of course, we sat outside far away from other people, but it felt good to have a normal lunch with a friend and a normal appetite while enjoying some Hawaiian food and another milkshake.
I ran errands and finally wrote thank you cards to all the wonderful techs and healthcare folks I’ve encountered along the way. I resisted napping to take care of all the little things online, like finances... I’m sure I’ll crash early tonight, but it’s been such a good day of feeling normal. Hooray for these kinds of days!
(I was completely traumatized by Wednesday’s encounter at the Santa Monica Labcorp – nearly 3 hours and five painful sticks that left my poor arms black and blue. I HATE them. I was in tears when I got home.)
After the morning nausea and anxiety, I was so relieved the rest of the day that I managed to be more productive than I have been in a long time. I actually went out to lunch and ate out with a good friend. Delicious!!! Of course, we sat outside far away from other people, but it felt good to have a normal lunch with a friend and a normal appetite while enjoying some Hawaiian food and another milkshake.
I ran errands and finally wrote thank you cards to all the wonderful techs and healthcare folks I’ve encountered along the way. I resisted napping to take care of all the little things online, like finances... I’m sure I’ll crash early tonight, but it’s been such a good day of feeling normal. Hooray for these kinds of days!
Day 50, 11/28/09 Saturday
I finally had a moment of normalcy this afternoon when I met up with a friend for coffee. It was like old times and cancer talk didn’t necessarily take up the whole conversation. It was just part of the conversation as it’s part of my life. I don’t know how often I’ll be able to go out and just have coffee at a coffeehouse with friends later on, but I cherish this moment for now.
On a separate tangent, I notice that coffee makes my lymph nodes ache, probably because it’s dehydrating. Luckily I don’t crave coffee too much anymore. I drank it more for the social aspect and because, ahem, it helps with the constipation. The nurses tell me that those darn chemo drugs just completely slow your gut down so whatever helps! Choose your evil.
On a separate tangent, I notice that coffee makes my lymph nodes ache, probably because it’s dehydrating. Luckily I don’t crave coffee too much anymore. I drank it more for the social aspect and because, ahem, it helps with the constipation. The nurses tell me that those darn chemo drugs just completely slow your gut down so whatever helps! Choose your evil.
Day 45 11/23/09 Monday
1st day of chemo. It went better than I expected. Even the IV part was too bad. Was just super groggy from the Benadryl they put in the IV. Thank goodness I had Sarah there to keep me company. She’s so low key and I didn’t have to worry too much about her being bored. I think the bf would have been bored out of his mind and restless for 5 hours. Right now I just feel so waterlogged but trying really hard to keep drinking as much as possible like they advised. So far so good with the nausea… crossing my fingers that it’ll stay that way. I even took a preemptive pill just in case.
I have tons of texts and emails from friends and I feel so loved.
I have tons of texts and emails from friends and I feel so loved.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Day 35 – 11/13/09 Friday
I’m falling behind with these journal entries. It’s been a rough week. Not only are the fevers and chills getting worse from the cancer, but now I have nausea and cramps from the hormones. This whole IVF treatment started out ok, but with each shot, every night, I feel worse and worse. Probably because I’m being pumped so full of estrogen, the doctor told me today that I’m equivalent to a pregnant lady. That explains the loss of appetite and throwing up of last night’s dinner. I sipped Gatorade and ginger ale all day, along with munching on Hawaiian bread. When I finally decided to have some dinner of chicken pho, it felt so good to eat it… now I feel slightly nauseous again. Sigh. My digestive system is completely out of whack.
I’ll be so happy when then this IVF treatment is over. Of course that means the beginning of chemo, which is beginning to really dawn on me. I’m slightly freaked out by it now that’s nearing. I was looking forward to it so I could start getting better, but I know it won’t be that easy.
What I am thankful for lately are my wonderful friends who have brought me food, helped me to get food, and just kept me company at home, especially since the bf has been working late all week. I thought I would really need them when treatment started, but I can’t believe how run down I’ve already become. Getting up and moving around is an effort. It is so frustrating to feel so crappy all the time.
I’ll be so happy when then this IVF treatment is over. Of course that means the beginning of chemo, which is beginning to really dawn on me. I’m slightly freaked out by it now that’s nearing. I was looking forward to it so I could start getting better, but I know it won’t be that easy.
What I am thankful for lately are my wonderful friends who have brought me food, helped me to get food, and just kept me company at home, especially since the bf has been working late all week. I thought I would really need them when treatment started, but I can’t believe how run down I’ve already become. Getting up and moving around is an effort. It is so frustrating to feel so crappy all the time.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Day 12 – 10/21/09 Wednesday
The oncologist called today and asked if I could come in Friday. I called back and told them I was in Yellowstone and had decided to take a little vacation before all the craziness started. They were able to squeeze me in next Monday instead of my original appointment Thursday. Which is great! But then I was thinking hmm, is that good or bad? The receptionist assured me it was because they had a cancellation and the doctor wanted to see me earlier.
The bf brought up shaving my head again. But now we (he) start joking about how I’m going to look like a man and I’m going to be crying every time I lose hair. He also mentioned that I look like a different person right now because of the shape of my face. Sigh.
ToughMom IMed me to check in on our trip and also told me that she and her husband had researched Hodgkins on wikipedia. She mentioned that 1) it was the most curable cancer, 2) the chemo treatment they use is the gentlest one and 3) which means there is a chance I won’t lose my hair or not be able to have kids. All on the bright side though I’m fully prepared for both. Guess we’ll find out next Monday!
The bf brought up shaving my head again. But now we (he) start joking about how I’m going to look like a man and I’m going to be crying every time I lose hair. He also mentioned that I look like a different person right now because of the shape of my face. Sigh.
ToughMom IMed me to check in on our trip and also told me that she and her husband had researched Hodgkins on wikipedia. She mentioned that 1) it was the most curable cancer, 2) the chemo treatment they use is the gentlest one and 3) which means there is a chance I won’t lose my hair or not be able to have kids. All on the bright side though I’m fully prepared for both. Guess we’ll find out next Monday!
Day 8 – 10/17/09 Saturday
So much to do before leaving tomorrow. I feel like telling my two friends Wavy and ToughMom before I leave but it’s Saturday and I’m sure they’re out and about having fun with their friends and family. Bf is still worried if this trip is a good idea with me being so easily tired and achy but what the hell are we going to do sitting around for 2 weeks waiting around right?
I ended up telling ToughMom late at night and she took it as well as Homey. Sympathetic but encouraging and helpful. The funniest thing she said was that of all the people, I really didn’t deserve it. “No one deserves this,” I replied. “I can think of a couple of people…” she retorted.
I ended up telling ToughMom late at night and she took it as well as Homey. Sympathetic but encouraging and helpful. The funniest thing she said was that of all the people, I really didn’t deserve it. “No one deserves this,” I replied. “I can think of a couple of people…” she retorted.
Day 6 – 10/15/09 Thursday
A bit of an emotionally overwrought day. I spent half the day with Dr. Roommate at UCLA surgical waiting room and things were as normal as could be. There were no tears, just us casually discussing my case, how her husband handled telling people about his tumor(badly), us walking down to her Westwood with her FIL to get a bite to eat… I’m happy that we got to spend the day together even if we didn’t get as much privacy from her in-laws as we would have liked.
The neurosurgeon who handled her husband’s surgery was amazingly warm, friendly, patient and young. So atypical of everything I’ve heard and seen on TV about surgeons being clinical and cold. Dude, I want her as a doctor. But maybe not so much for neurosurgery.
At home, the bf had cleaned the whole place and it was amazing. Aaaahhhh…
Dr. Roommate had advised that I should tell a couple of close friends I trusted to ease the burden. And she also guessed that it would be Stage 2A since it’s spread to my armpit lymph nodes and didn’t have too many symptoms. The worst part is that she did confirm my fears that I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids normally after chemo and that I’d have to harvest my eggs if in vitro was an option I wanted to keep open later. Man that is heavy shit to deal with all at once. And more invasive procedures. Ugh.
I revealed the news to my second friend Homey. I was driving her to the airport and decided that the alone time would work. She didn’t seem too shocked and said she noticed that I had seemed off on Saturday. She handled it perfectly, not all emotional at all, and offered to help for anything except cooking. She also said good luck keeping our friend Hungry Monster away once she finds out since she’s so devoted to taking care of people.
Unfortunately, the bf and I had a bit of a breakdown at night before going to bed. I’m sure this is common with other patients, but he’s afraid of hurting me more with any physical intimacy. He’s can’t see me as a sexual object right now though I am the “love of his life.” It’s incredibly frustrating because even when we’re both healthy, the frequency of intimacy has always been an issue. With him working long hours for weeks until beginning of October and me being tired and achy, this is the longest stretch we’ve ever gone. Now, with the C word looming over our heads like a giant unsexy bat, it’s even worse.
All I can think of is, dude I’m still fine right now and the drive is there, but soon it won’t and it’s going to be a long stretch where either I won’t be up for it, or he’ll be even more mentally and emotionally distraught to try anything. I could only weep at the frustration and unfairness of it all. It’s beyond my control if he’s not feeling it. I know he loves me and all he wants is for me to get better. That is his priority. He’s plentiful with the hugs, kisses, declarations of love and any other woman out there would be overjoyed with having just that. He doesn’t mind if we can’t have kids and said we could adopt. I’m appreciative and love him dearly but in the meantime, I have to live like a nun until he finds that passion again. Or I could dress like a ho everyday and prance about until that works.
The neurosurgeon who handled her husband’s surgery was amazingly warm, friendly, patient and young. So atypical of everything I’ve heard and seen on TV about surgeons being clinical and cold. Dude, I want her as a doctor. But maybe not so much for neurosurgery.
At home, the bf had cleaned the whole place and it was amazing. Aaaahhhh…
Dr. Roommate had advised that I should tell a couple of close friends I trusted to ease the burden. And she also guessed that it would be Stage 2A since it’s spread to my armpit lymph nodes and didn’t have too many symptoms. The worst part is that she did confirm my fears that I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids normally after chemo and that I’d have to harvest my eggs if in vitro was an option I wanted to keep open later. Man that is heavy shit to deal with all at once. And more invasive procedures. Ugh.
I revealed the news to my second friend Homey. I was driving her to the airport and decided that the alone time would work. She didn’t seem too shocked and said she noticed that I had seemed off on Saturday. She handled it perfectly, not all emotional at all, and offered to help for anything except cooking. She also said good luck keeping our friend Hungry Monster away once she finds out since she’s so devoted to taking care of people.
Unfortunately, the bf and I had a bit of a breakdown at night before going to bed. I’m sure this is common with other patients, but he’s afraid of hurting me more with any physical intimacy. He’s can’t see me as a sexual object right now though I am the “love of his life.” It’s incredibly frustrating because even when we’re both healthy, the frequency of intimacy has always been an issue. With him working long hours for weeks until beginning of October and me being tired and achy, this is the longest stretch we’ve ever gone. Now, with the C word looming over our heads like a giant unsexy bat, it’s even worse.
All I can think of is, dude I’m still fine right now and the drive is there, but soon it won’t and it’s going to be a long stretch where either I won’t be up for it, or he’ll be even more mentally and emotionally distraught to try anything. I could only weep at the frustration and unfairness of it all. It’s beyond my control if he’s not feeling it. I know he loves me and all he wants is for me to get better. That is his priority. He’s plentiful with the hugs, kisses, declarations of love and any other woman out there would be overjoyed with having just that. He doesn’t mind if we can’t have kids and said we could adopt. I’m appreciative and love him dearly but in the meantime, I have to live like a nun until he finds that passion again. Or I could dress like a ho everyday and prance about until that works.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Day 5 – 10/14/09 Wednesday
Crazy morning. The receptionist from the PCP’s office called me to say that an appointment with the oncologist in 2 weeks is PERFECTLY FINE. Really?!! What if this shit spreads? I mean REALLY?! We don’t even know what F-ing stage this is yet! But she insisted that if the doctor had thought it was urgent she would have made the call to squeeze me in. I GUESS I’ll trust them on this. Sometimes I wonder if I need to be more of an asshole to get what I want. Probably everyone would say yes.
In one of the stupidest ways possible, I leaked the info to my first friend - my college roommate who fortunately enough is a doctor. Somehow while I had put her on hold to take the call from the dr’s office, my fat ole face managed to mash the right combination of buttons on my Iphone to conference the calls together and even dial a random person. Luckily I managed to hang up on the random person before it got through. Seriously, I don’t even know how to conference people together on purpose.
Anyway, Dr. Roommate heard the whole exchange between the unhelpful receptionist and me. She said she was going to ask me point blank if it was lymphoma or infectious in nature anyway as soon as I mentioned lymph nodes. Guess you can’t be too specific with medically savvy folks. I’m relieved to get it off my chest to one person, even if I hadn’t planned on telling her first. To top it off, her husband is having brain surgery tomorrow to remove a tumor!! She would have been one of the last people I wanted to burden my news on – she and all the friends who just had babies. But in a way, now we have our bad news together while everyone is sharing good news.
I started crying on the way home from lunch about it. We’re only 34! We’re young. Why us? Why are we like some crazy soap opera? One has a brain tumor and the other has cancer? Seriously when did life start imitating Grey’s Anatomy?
Well, I am looking forward to using this as an excuse to go on our Yellowstone trip though I know I’m not going to do any hard core hiking and activities. And I am looking forward to keeping Dr. Roommate company tomorrow at UCLA while her husband undergoes surgery. I have a feeling I might have a good cry or two.
In one of the stupidest ways possible, I leaked the info to my first friend - my college roommate who fortunately enough is a doctor. Somehow while I had put her on hold to take the call from the dr’s office, my fat ole face managed to mash the right combination of buttons on my Iphone to conference the calls together and even dial a random person. Luckily I managed to hang up on the random person before it got through. Seriously, I don’t even know how to conference people together on purpose.
Anyway, Dr. Roommate heard the whole exchange between the unhelpful receptionist and me. She said she was going to ask me point blank if it was lymphoma or infectious in nature anyway as soon as I mentioned lymph nodes. Guess you can’t be too specific with medically savvy folks. I’m relieved to get it off my chest to one person, even if I hadn’t planned on telling her first. To top it off, her husband is having brain surgery tomorrow to remove a tumor!! She would have been one of the last people I wanted to burden my news on – she and all the friends who just had babies. But in a way, now we have our bad news together while everyone is sharing good news.
I started crying on the way home from lunch about it. We’re only 34! We’re young. Why us? Why are we like some crazy soap opera? One has a brain tumor and the other has cancer? Seriously when did life start imitating Grey’s Anatomy?
Well, I am looking forward to using this as an excuse to go on our Yellowstone trip though I know I’m not going to do any hard core hiking and activities. And I am looking forward to keeping Dr. Roommate company tomorrow at UCLA while her husband undergoes surgery. I have a feeling I might have a good cry or two.
Day 4 – 10/13/09 Tuesday
The doctor called me first thing this morning at 8am and now I can kinda get the ball rolling. The bf and I drove out to Arcadia to pick up my biopsy report and slides, pick up my referral for the oncologist, and to balance it out had lunch at Din Tai Fung, got some boba, and stopped by my dad’s office to pick up my birthday galoshes from my cousin.
Unfortunately when we got home and I tried to make an appointment with the oncologist, her first appointment is two weeks from now. The receptionist suggested that I could call my PCP to see if she could pull some strings to get me an earlier appointment, but we’ll see. Now I wait some more. Which is not only highly aggravating but isn’t it life threatening as my cancer could be spreading throughout my body as I type? The only positive I can see is that we could take our trip to Yellowstone in the meantime and get away from everyone and their concerned questions, have a nice a vacation before I come back and deal with reality.
It’s getting so hard to keep up the charade with my closest friends who ask me everyday if I’ve heard anything and how I’m doing. I so want to tell them, but I have so little info at this point to share. I might succumb soon. In the meantime, I warned the bf I’m going to want to eat a lot of good foods because I know won’t be able to for awhile.
I looked up some of the crazy medical terms in my pathology report. One of them said I had a large presence of “necrotic tissue” which means dead or scarred tissue.
‘What does that mean, that you have a lot of dead tissue?” the bf asked.
“I don’t know, “ I replied. “Maybe that I’m half zombie?”
Unfortunately when we got home and I tried to make an appointment with the oncologist, her first appointment is two weeks from now. The receptionist suggested that I could call my PCP to see if she could pull some strings to get me an earlier appointment, but we’ll see. Now I wait some more. Which is not only highly aggravating but isn’t it life threatening as my cancer could be spreading throughout my body as I type? The only positive I can see is that we could take our trip to Yellowstone in the meantime and get away from everyone and their concerned questions, have a nice a vacation before I come back and deal with reality.
It’s getting so hard to keep up the charade with my closest friends who ask me everyday if I’ve heard anything and how I’m doing. I so want to tell them, but I have so little info at this point to share. I might succumb soon. In the meantime, I warned the bf I’m going to want to eat a lot of good foods because I know won’t be able to for awhile.
I looked up some of the crazy medical terms in my pathology report. One of them said I had a large presence of “necrotic tissue” which means dead or scarred tissue.
‘What does that mean, that you have a lot of dead tissue?” the bf asked.
“I don’t know, “ I replied. “Maybe that I’m half zombie?”
Day 1 – 10/10/09 Saturday
I have cancer. I HAVE CANCER. Last night I was crying to myself about how the BF and I can’t communicate about any personal issues without getting upset or defensive, and how we’ll have to figure out how to do that or find someone who can help us. Today, a giant monster truck of destruction has been sent flying into our little world and nothing will ever be the same anymore.My first three worries:
1) How am I going to tell my family and friends? My parents will be devastated.
2) OMG, I’m going to lose my hair. I LOVE my hair. It’s one of my best physical attributes. Long, plentiful, healthy black hair inherited straight from my dad himself. Shoot, should I even bother to get a haircut this month if I’m going to lose it anyway? And I guess redying the blue stripes is a moot point now.
3) What if I can’t have kids? Never thought that choice would be taken away from me so early. I thought I might just get too old to have them by the time I was ready but now it could be a whole other legitimate reason.
Funny how the brain works. Two serious reasons with a silly vain one sandwiched in between.
I had to ask “Are you serious?” when the doctor called me this morning saying it looked like Hodgkins Lymphoma. After last week’s scare when he said it could be lymphoma and then two days later, telling me the lymph node looked benign, maybe a second diagnosis will tell me, “oops wrong diagnosis. It’s something else entirely NOT CANCEROUS.” But he told me to waste no time calling the oncologist and to treat it as the actual diagnosis, though I was more than welcome to go pick up the report and slides and get a second or third pathologist’s opinion.
The bf and I take turns reading up on everything we can about Hodgkins Lymphoma. What it is, survival rates, what famous person has had it and survived, treatment options, etc. I imagine this is his worst nightmare. Reliving what he had to go through with his dad dying of lung cancer. And I feel bad about it.
All of a sudden he’s talking about getting a stable job somewhere so he can get the insurance and that we should get married. All very sweet but not practical since it might take awhile to do that and I imagine starting Monday it will be a whirlwind of calls and setting up appointments as soon as possible.
Something has changed in him though.
We have a nice lunch at the Santa Monica library courtyard and run errands for his puppet-making. I know all through the day the word CANCER pops in our heads intermittently because really, it’s not something you can tuck away for long periods of time just yet. But there’s not much we can do till Monday. We’ve decided to stay quiet about this to everyone until I know more info – what stage, what treatment, anything…
It’s so hard to keep it quiet. I’ve always believed that happiness shared is doubled, while unhappiness/grief shared is halved. I know I’m going to need my family and friends’ support, their care and most importantly their ability to make me laugh. But there’s no point in ruining anyone’s weekend or stressing everyone out until I have some answers.
I’m going out for a friend’s birthday celebration tonight. I’m not sure Octoberfest is a thing I’m looking forward to, but I should continue to do what I’d normally do as long as I can, and be there with my girlfriends. My only worry is I’ll blurt out “I HAVE CANCER” and ruin everyone’s evening.
8pm
It’s loud and crowded and I have a raging headache. I hate all people. I feel like I have Tourette’s syndrome because I randomly want to blurt out “I have cancer!” I have to try so hard to keep it in check. But the more everyone asks how I’m doing and whether I’ve heard back from my tests yet, the weirder it is to continue telling my semi-truth – that I need to go in for more tests and that I’m still waiting for a concrete diagnosis. I’m a bad liar so it has to be a partial truth to be convincing. Plus I want so bad to tell someone and I want so bad to prep them for the impending shock.
The longer the night wears on and the more tired and cranky I get, the more I’m wondering “Does having cancer give me the right to be more selfish and just do whatever I want? Like take off from a party if I don’t feel like being there anymore?” But I guess that wouldn’t be doing what I’d normally do which is stick it out and be a good friend.
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