I have cancer. I HAVE CANCER. Last night I was crying to myself about how the BF and I can’t communicate about any personal issues without getting upset or defensive, and how we’ll have to figure out how to do that or find someone who can help us. Today, a giant monster truck of destruction has been sent flying into our little world and nothing will ever be the same anymore.My first three worries:
1) How am I going to tell my family and friends? My parents will be devastated.
2) OMG, I’m going to lose my hair. I LOVE my hair. It’s one of my best physical attributes. Long, plentiful, healthy black hair inherited straight from my dad himself. Shoot, should I even bother to get a haircut this month if I’m going to lose it anyway? And I guess redying the blue stripes is a moot point now.
3) What if I can’t have kids? Never thought that choice would be taken away from me so early. I thought I might just get too old to have them by the time I was ready but now it could be a whole other legitimate reason.
Funny how the brain works. Two serious reasons with a silly vain one sandwiched in between.
I had to ask “Are you serious?” when the doctor called me this morning saying it looked like Hodgkins Lymphoma. After last week’s scare when he said it could be lymphoma and then two days later, telling me the lymph node looked benign, maybe a second diagnosis will tell me, “oops wrong diagnosis. It’s something else entirely NOT CANCEROUS.” But he told me to waste no time calling the oncologist and to treat it as the actual diagnosis, though I was more than welcome to go pick up the report and slides and get a second or third pathologist’s opinion.
The bf and I take turns reading up on everything we can about Hodgkins Lymphoma. What it is, survival rates, what famous person has had it and survived, treatment options, etc. I imagine this is his worst nightmare. Reliving what he had to go through with his dad dying of lung cancer. And I feel bad about it.
All of a sudden he’s talking about getting a stable job somewhere so he can get the insurance and that we should get married. All very sweet but not practical since it might take awhile to do that and I imagine starting Monday it will be a whirlwind of calls and setting up appointments as soon as possible.
Something has changed in him though.
We have a nice lunch at the Santa Monica library courtyard and run errands for his puppet-making. I know all through the day the word CANCER pops in our heads intermittently because really, it’s not something you can tuck away for long periods of time just yet. But there’s not much we can do till Monday. We’ve decided to stay quiet about this to everyone until I know more info – what stage, what treatment, anything…
It’s so hard to keep it quiet. I’ve always believed that happiness shared is doubled, while unhappiness/grief shared is halved. I know I’m going to need my family and friends’ support, their care and most importantly their ability to make me laugh. But there’s no point in ruining anyone’s weekend or stressing everyone out until I have some answers.
I’m going out for a friend’s birthday celebration tonight. I’m not sure Octoberfest is a thing I’m looking forward to, but I should continue to do what I’d normally do as long as I can, and be there with my girlfriends. My only worry is I’ll blurt out “I HAVE CANCER” and ruin everyone’s evening.
8pm
It’s loud and crowded and I have a raging headache. I hate all people. I feel like I have Tourette’s syndrome because I randomly want to blurt out “I have cancer!” I have to try so hard to keep it in check. But the more everyone asks how I’m doing and whether I’ve heard back from my tests yet, the weirder it is to continue telling my semi-truth – that I need to go in for more tests and that I’m still waiting for a concrete diagnosis. I’m a bad liar so it has to be a partial truth to be convincing. Plus I want so bad to tell someone and I want so bad to prep them for the impending shock.
The longer the night wears on and the more tired and cranky I get, the more I’m wondering “Does having cancer give me the right to be more selfish and just do whatever I want? Like take off from a party if I don’t feel like being there anymore?” But I guess that wouldn’t be doing what I’d normally do which is stick it out and be a good friend.
No comments:
Post a Comment