I feel like my life is in limbo and this weekend is some surreal type of purgatory. I can’t schedule anything or make any plans for the immediate future until I know how things will unfold with the doctors. I don’t know if we’ll be able to go on our Yellowstone road trip next week or whether I’ll be able to volunteer at the Animation expo next month. I have no idea whether I’ll be able to make my friend’s November wedding or how I’ll explain why I can’t RSVP just yet.
I’m worried I’ll be at least stage 2 since my chest pains and lymph node swelling went on for over two months before they caught this. And I’m angry that both my primary doctor and the endocrinologist didn’t catch it earlier. I’ve been treated for inflammation for six months! I’m also worried about how long it will take to get the referrals from the primary care physician to see the oncologist, to make an appointment with the oncologist, to get all the scans… I’m sure I’m not the only person with cancer who needs to get these things done right away.
I’m sad that I’ll also have to put my dad through this again. He was the main caretaker for my grandpa when he had lung cancer and I know he was closest to him. But I can’t imagine how it must be for a parent to worry and face the fear of their child’s mortality.
I decide to watch the latest episode of Brothers and Sisters, especially because the character of Kitty (Calista Flockhart) coincidentally just got diagnosed with lymphoma. Last week, they showed her getting a needle biopsy (which I thought I was going to get and was already freaked out by the needle. Instead I got the scarier open biopsy which meant getting put under.)
When they foreshadowed that she had lymphoma, I remember thinking “Psssh, of course she does. It’s a soap opera. Thank goodness I don’t have it.” Turns out the joke’s on me. BUT she has the “bad kind” of lymphoma - the non Hodgkins lymphoma kind which is more spread out and needed a bone marrow biopsy. Ouch. God, I hope I don’t need to do anything with my bone marrow. I really really hope I’m at Stage 1, only need a pill version of chemotherapy and get over it quickly.
“You’re laughing,” the bf confusingly says. That’s because I can’t help but laugh at how melodramatic things are. Yet they hit so close to home. “I’m going to lose my hair,” Kitty wails. “I love my hair!” You see, it is a legitimate and immediate concern for women.
By the end of the show, when Kitty’s mother Nora (Sally Field of all the weepy melodramatic people) is crying that it should be her because Kitty is so young, I’m all teary-eyed myself. The bf was just saying that yesterday because he felt like I was a “good person” and that he’d done so many bad things in his life, he deserved it more. Too bad diseases don’t judge.
My teeth have been achy and sensitive to cold liquids lately but I don’t know if I need to see a dentist or if it’s just all related to being achy in general. Plus I’m trying to taper down from the Prednisone I’ve been taking for inflammation and every time I go down a dose, I feel a little achy for a week. It feels weird to be walking around amongst people and thinking that my body is ridden with cancer. I feel like I’m in disguise as a normal healthy person.
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