Friday, March 19, 2010
Day 147 3/7/10 Sunday
I’m losing my marbles. Tonight I left a candle burning in the bathroom and the thing dissolved and melted all over the toilet cover, bathroom floor and my bath rug. The bf was sweet enough to clean up the mess while I stood there and stared in disbelief, but not until he took a picture of it.
Day 146 3/6/10 Saturday
I’ve officially lost enough brain cells to be dangerous. Last night, I turned on the oven to bake some sweet potato fries, found the sweet potatoes to be moldy and threw them out, then promptly forgot about the oven until half an hour later when the bf asked why the oven was on. I have never ever EVER done that before.
Day 145 3/5/10 Friday
Slowly getting better again. Coffee milkshake time!
Today in counseling, A mentioned that chemo induces depression in a lot of people. Oooooohhhhh… well that totally explains the extra amount of bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I think that also provided much needed explanation and an extra dose of patience to the bf over my extreme mood swings, aside from the obvious reasons of feeling crappy 75% of the time.
Oooh on Grey’s Anatomy last night, one of the patients survived leukemia AND lymphoma, only to have pulmonary fibrosis (scarring of the lung tissue) as a side effect from the radiation. Of course, he ended up surviving this crazy lung transplant thing.
The bf turned to me and asked, “could that happen to you?” And I replied “Well, I’m having my heart and lungs tested next week for damage from chemo! But I’m sure everything is fine.” Hmmm, he wasn’t reassured by that. I am simply refusing to believe that there will be much if any damage!
Today in counseling, A mentioned that chemo induces depression in a lot of people. Oooooohhhhh… well that totally explains the extra amount of bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I think that also provided much needed explanation and an extra dose of patience to the bf over my extreme mood swings, aside from the obvious reasons of feeling crappy 75% of the time.
Oooh on Grey’s Anatomy last night, one of the patients survived leukemia AND lymphoma, only to have pulmonary fibrosis (scarring of the lung tissue) as a side effect from the radiation. Of course, he ended up surviving this crazy lung transplant thing.
The bf turned to me and asked, “could that happen to you?” And I replied “Well, I’m having my heart and lungs tested next week for damage from chemo! But I’m sure everything is fine.” Hmmm, he wasn’t reassured by that. I am simply refusing to believe that there will be much if any damage!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Day 144 3/4/10 Thursday
Seriously, today is the first day I’ve even managed to put on a bra and not wear the same sweatpants and shirt from the past three days. The support group provides me a reason to leave the house since the bf seems perfectly comfortable working from home and not leaving for days.
It was a small group today, but always worthwhile and helpful. I even got some tea with one of the ladies and gave her a lift back to Santa Monica. During our car ride, she told me her story – how her boyfriend of 17 years left her when she got breast cancer, how he turned their son against her, cheated her out of all the money they ever earned together in their landscaping business, lost her home and got her possessions stolen by her landlord during treatment…
There are just no words to say to a story like that. I can not relate or grasp the magnitude of such loss. And yet, we still bonded over our mutual frustration at weight gain and loss of independence in being able to physically do the things we once did. I echoed the same sentiment I’ve been told many times. “It’ll take time but we’ll slowly lose the weight and get back in shape. We’ll get back to the things we used to do.” But we both chuckled once the words lazily rolled off my tongue. “At least that’s what they say,” I added.
It was a small group today, but always worthwhile and helpful. I even got some tea with one of the ladies and gave her a lift back to Santa Monica. During our car ride, she told me her story – how her boyfriend of 17 years left her when she got breast cancer, how he turned their son against her, cheated her out of all the money they ever earned together in their landscaping business, lost her home and got her possessions stolen by her landlord during treatment…
There are just no words to say to a story like that. I can not relate or grasp the magnitude of such loss. And yet, we still bonded over our mutual frustration at weight gain and loss of independence in being able to physically do the things we once did. I echoed the same sentiment I’ve been told many times. “It’ll take time but we’ll slowly lose the weight and get back in shape. We’ll get back to the things we used to do.” But we both chuckled once the words lazily rolled off my tongue. “At least that’s what they say,” I added.
Day 143 3/3/10 Wednesday
Yesterday and today, I’ve felt like I have half a brain. I feel like I’m moving slowly as if underwater. Most of the time, my appetite and nausea have been ok, but the nausea will suddenly slap me in the face out of the blue. Usually because I forgot to take my anti-nausea medicine in a timely manner.
Since I haven’t left the house since Monday, I’ve neglected to brush my hair. Why bother? It just falls out anyway. Until I looked in the mirror and realized I looked like a crazy person, like the Professor in Back to the Future but with much less hair. I turned to the bf and asked, “why have you let me walk around like a crazy person all morning?!” And he just smiled humorously and said “you do kinda look like a frazzled housewife who just had a baby.” Hooray. Just the look I was going for.
Since I haven’t left the house since Monday, I’ve neglected to brush my hair. Why bother? It just falls out anyway. Until I looked in the mirror and realized I looked like a crazy person, like the Professor in Back to the Future but with much less hair. I turned to the bf and asked, “why have you let me walk around like a crazy person all morning?!” And he just smiled humorously and said “you do kinda look like a frazzled housewife who just had a baby.” Hooray. Just the look I was going for.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Day 141 3/1/10 Monday
Last chemo!!!!!!! Though I’m just tired and my hands are all weirdly tingly. I think it’ll hit me more when I’m over this cycle and realize I don’t have to go back after 2 weeks anymore. Hallelujah. It feels a bit anticlimactic because there’s still much to do.
Echocardiogram, pulmonary function test, PET scan, CT scan, more blood tests… And of course I’ll be back at the oncologist’s in 3 weeks anyway
Echocardiogram, pulmonary function test, PET scan, CT scan, more blood tests… And of course I’ll be back at the oncologist’s in 3 weeks anyway
Day 138 2/26/10 Friday
Today marks the one year anniversary of NOT being a part of the work force. My how time flies… and who knew how much insanity would occur the minute I stepped away from the job. All I can say is thank god our finance manager convinced me to go with COBRA health insurance. Best decision EVER.
Day 137 2/25/10 Thursday
Three things occurred today at the support group.
1) One of the ladies shared her story of having a bad day, when nothing was going right. She simply could not find the address to attend a cancer related seminar, the GPS was out of batteries, and her cigarette lighter in the car was broken so that she was unable to plug the GPS in. She couldn't even call the hospital to let them know why she wouldn’t make it and it frustrated her so much.
It sounds so silly yet so relatable for all of us at the group. We have days when doing a simple thing like that is such an effort and not being able to do it seems like an epic failure.
2) I realized I may end up growing a mullet. I’ll have my remaining wispy lengths of hair, but new hair will begin growing in at the crown of my head while all the hair on the back of my neck will fall out thanks to the radiation. I’m going to have this multi-layer hair thing going on. Will definitely need to shave it so that it all grows in together.
3) Two of the ladies assured me that COBRA had been extended from 15 months to 18 months to 3 years and that I should look into it. They also mentioned that legally, I would be able to get help in maintaining my health care. As one of the ladies put it, “I am a cancer patient and I am one of the most important people!”
1) One of the ladies shared her story of having a bad day, when nothing was going right. She simply could not find the address to attend a cancer related seminar, the GPS was out of batteries, and her cigarette lighter in the car was broken so that she was unable to plug the GPS in. She couldn't even call the hospital to let them know why she wouldn’t make it and it frustrated her so much.
It sounds so silly yet so relatable for all of us at the group. We have days when doing a simple thing like that is such an effort and not being able to do it seems like an epic failure.
2) I realized I may end up growing a mullet. I’ll have my remaining wispy lengths of hair, but new hair will begin growing in at the crown of my head while all the hair on the back of my neck will fall out thanks to the radiation. I’m going to have this multi-layer hair thing going on. Will definitely need to shave it so that it all grows in together.
3) Two of the ladies assured me that COBRA had been extended from 15 months to 18 months to 3 years and that I should look into it. They also mentioned that legally, I would be able to get help in maintaining my health care. As one of the ladies put it, “I am a cancer patient and I am one of the most important people!”
Friday, March 5, 2010
Day 136 2/24/10 Wednesday
Freaking out about health insurance today. I am thinking COBRA only lasts 15 months, which is rapidly approaching. Which means with our “pre-existing conditions”, the bf and I will both be denied health insurance on our own, unless one of us scrambles to find a staff job with benefits and marries the other!!!
Of course, when I mentioned this to the bf in my panicked hysteria, he just happily replied, “So, you wanna get married?” ARGHHHHHHH! That is so not the way I envisioned it. Do over!!! It totally doesn't count.
Of course, when I mentioned this to the bf in my panicked hysteria, he just happily replied, “So, you wanna get married?” ARGHHHHHHH! That is so not the way I envisioned it. Do over!!! It totally doesn't count.
Day 135 2/23/10 Tuesday
Hot flashes! How awesomely annoying. It’s as if I were going through menopause.
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