Showing posts with label Symptoms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Symptoms. Show all posts
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Day 148 3/8/10 Monday
Doesn’t quite feel like week 2 yet. I still feel like week 1 of chemo, with the achiness, weak stomach and listlessness. This is probably why I’m not quite celebrating the end of chemo yet. I’m still being slapped around by its effects.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Day 147 3/7/10 Sunday
I’m losing my marbles. Tonight I left a candle burning in the bathroom and the thing dissolved and melted all over the toilet cover, bathroom floor and my bath rug. The bf was sweet enough to clean up the mess while I stood there and stared in disbelief, but not until he took a picture of it.
Day 146 3/6/10 Saturday
I’ve officially lost enough brain cells to be dangerous. Last night, I turned on the oven to bake some sweet potato fries, found the sweet potatoes to be moldy and threw them out, then promptly forgot about the oven until half an hour later when the bf asked why the oven was on. I have never ever EVER done that before.
Day 145 3/5/10 Friday
Slowly getting better again. Coffee milkshake time!
Today in counseling, A mentioned that chemo induces depression in a lot of people. Oooooohhhhh… well that totally explains the extra amount of bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I think that also provided much needed explanation and an extra dose of patience to the bf over my extreme mood swings, aside from the obvious reasons of feeling crappy 75% of the time.
Oooh on Grey’s Anatomy last night, one of the patients survived leukemia AND lymphoma, only to have pulmonary fibrosis (scarring of the lung tissue) as a side effect from the radiation. Of course, he ended up surviving this crazy lung transplant thing.
The bf turned to me and asked, “could that happen to you?” And I replied “Well, I’m having my heart and lungs tested next week for damage from chemo! But I’m sure everything is fine.” Hmmm, he wasn’t reassured by that. I am simply refusing to believe that there will be much if any damage!
Today in counseling, A mentioned that chemo induces depression in a lot of people. Oooooohhhhh… well that totally explains the extra amount of bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I think that also provided much needed explanation and an extra dose of patience to the bf over my extreme mood swings, aside from the obvious reasons of feeling crappy 75% of the time.
Oooh on Grey’s Anatomy last night, one of the patients survived leukemia AND lymphoma, only to have pulmonary fibrosis (scarring of the lung tissue) as a side effect from the radiation. Of course, he ended up surviving this crazy lung transplant thing.
The bf turned to me and asked, “could that happen to you?” And I replied “Well, I’m having my heart and lungs tested next week for damage from chemo! But I’m sure everything is fine.” Hmmm, he wasn’t reassured by that. I am simply refusing to believe that there will be much if any damage!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Day 143 3/3/10 Wednesday
Yesterday and today, I’ve felt like I have half a brain. I feel like I’m moving slowly as if underwater. Most of the time, my appetite and nausea have been ok, but the nausea will suddenly slap me in the face out of the blue. Usually because I forgot to take my anti-nausea medicine in a timely manner.
Since I haven’t left the house since Monday, I’ve neglected to brush my hair. Why bother? It just falls out anyway. Until I looked in the mirror and realized I looked like a crazy person, like the Professor in Back to the Future but with much less hair. I turned to the bf and asked, “why have you let me walk around like a crazy person all morning?!” And he just smiled humorously and said “you do kinda look like a frazzled housewife who just had a baby.” Hooray. Just the look I was going for.
Since I haven’t left the house since Monday, I’ve neglected to brush my hair. Why bother? It just falls out anyway. Until I looked in the mirror and realized I looked like a crazy person, like the Professor in Back to the Future but with much less hair. I turned to the bf and asked, “why have you let me walk around like a crazy person all morning?!” And he just smiled humorously and said “you do kinda look like a frazzled housewife who just had a baby.” Hooray. Just the look I was going for.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Day 141 3/1/10 Monday
Last chemo!!!!!!! Though I’m just tired and my hands are all weirdly tingly. I think it’ll hit me more when I’m over this cycle and realize I don’t have to go back after 2 weeks anymore. Hallelujah. It feels a bit anticlimactic because there’s still much to do.
Echocardiogram, pulmonary function test, PET scan, CT scan, more blood tests… And of course I’ll be back at the oncologist’s in 3 weeks anyway
Echocardiogram, pulmonary function test, PET scan, CT scan, more blood tests… And of course I’ll be back at the oncologist’s in 3 weeks anyway
Day 137 2/25/10 Thursday
Three things occurred today at the support group.
1) One of the ladies shared her story of having a bad day, when nothing was going right. She simply could not find the address to attend a cancer related seminar, the GPS was out of batteries, and her cigarette lighter in the car was broken so that she was unable to plug the GPS in. She couldn't even call the hospital to let them know why she wouldn’t make it and it frustrated her so much.
It sounds so silly yet so relatable for all of us at the group. We have days when doing a simple thing like that is such an effort and not being able to do it seems like an epic failure.
2) I realized I may end up growing a mullet. I’ll have my remaining wispy lengths of hair, but new hair will begin growing in at the crown of my head while all the hair on the back of my neck will fall out thanks to the radiation. I’m going to have this multi-layer hair thing going on. Will definitely need to shave it so that it all grows in together.
3) Two of the ladies assured me that COBRA had been extended from 15 months to 18 months to 3 years and that I should look into it. They also mentioned that legally, I would be able to get help in maintaining my health care. As one of the ladies put it, “I am a cancer patient and I am one of the most important people!”
1) One of the ladies shared her story of having a bad day, when nothing was going right. She simply could not find the address to attend a cancer related seminar, the GPS was out of batteries, and her cigarette lighter in the car was broken so that she was unable to plug the GPS in. She couldn't even call the hospital to let them know why she wouldn’t make it and it frustrated her so much.
It sounds so silly yet so relatable for all of us at the group. We have days when doing a simple thing like that is such an effort and not being able to do it seems like an epic failure.
2) I realized I may end up growing a mullet. I’ll have my remaining wispy lengths of hair, but new hair will begin growing in at the crown of my head while all the hair on the back of my neck will fall out thanks to the radiation. I’m going to have this multi-layer hair thing going on. Will definitely need to shave it so that it all grows in together.
3) Two of the ladies assured me that COBRA had been extended from 15 months to 18 months to 3 years and that I should look into it. They also mentioned that legally, I would be able to get help in maintaining my health care. As one of the ladies put it, “I am a cancer patient and I am one of the most important people!”
Friday, March 5, 2010
Day 135 2/23/10 Tuesday
Hot flashes! How awesomely annoying. It’s as if I were going through menopause.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day 133 2/21/10 Sunday
Like I mentioned before, the days have passed by somewhat monotonously and though I’m no longer sick as I was Thursday, fatigue and a lovely hot flash hit me this morning. All of a sudden I have little energy except to sit around. I want to move around! I want to go out! I would not do well in prison.
It’s strange to have the bf working from home. On one hand, I need to respect his work time boundaries and pretend he’s not here, as if he were working on site. But on the other hand, he’s welcomed me to sit in the office with him and has insisted if I need anything to interrupt him. I assume that only means food service and health related issues. Haha…
It’s strange to have the bf working from home. On one hand, I need to respect his work time boundaries and pretend he’s not here, as if he were working on site. But on the other hand, he’s welcomed me to sit in the office with him and has insisted if I need anything to interrupt him. I assume that only means food service and health related issues. Haha…
Day 130 2/18/10 Thursday
Wow, the wave of nausea hit me today like a giant slap in the face. Or maybe a punch in the gut? Because my stomach is killing me too. And I no longer want to eat or move or watch tv or do anything. Time slows to a crawl. All I can do is wait for it to pass.
Day 129 2/17/10 Wednesday
Not as nauseous as last time so far, but my stomach keeps bothering me. I’m a bit spoiled by all the food my mom makes me. Without it this week, I’m just eating whatever’s around. Not only do I feel groggy but it’s as if my brain has slowed down too. Handling anything harder than watching tv or reading magazines is tough. Again, I didn’t make it outside the house at all, which is par for the course those first two days after chemo.
Day 128 2/16/10 Tuesday
Back to feeling blah again. Mainly in my stomach. But my god! Only one left! I managed to eat lots of delicious foods thanks to my brother’s company today. Though my arm ached the whole time during chemo (and dammit, it still does even now at night), the nausea hasn’t completely kicked in. So I pigged out as usual.
At least there are Olympics to veg out to all week.
At least there are Olympics to veg out to all week.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day 127 2/15/10 Monday
I can’t stop shopping the past week and a half. A little bit of retail therapy and a little bit, hey none of my clothes (especially pants!) fit very well anymore thanks to the weight gain. Oh the fun of being a sedentary person. So today I bought four things – all black. I’m going for the goth/slimming look until I feel better about my body again.
Now, onto my hair. I’ve always been grateful for the strong hair genes from my dad. Now more than ever, I’m grateful I had so much hair to start with. The amount I shed, especially when I have to wash my hair, is honestly horrifying. Every time I think, “Alright this is it. THIS is when I’ll have to shave my head because there’s gonna be a big ole bald spot on the back of my head.” But no. It just gradually thins more and more. And I shed more and more, which is driving me crazy. I keep wondering if it’ll last through two more chemos… if I have to shave my head after the last chemo, I’m gonna be a little pissed. Most of all, I wish I could just know.
A, our counselor, put it best. It’s such an “undignified” disease. Back to the chair tomorrow.
Now, onto my hair. I’ve always been grateful for the strong hair genes from my dad. Now more than ever, I’m grateful I had so much hair to start with. The amount I shed, especially when I have to wash my hair, is honestly horrifying. Every time I think, “Alright this is it. THIS is when I’ll have to shave my head because there’s gonna be a big ole bald spot on the back of my head.” But no. It just gradually thins more and more. And I shed more and more, which is driving me crazy. I keep wondering if it’ll last through two more chemos… if I have to shave my head after the last chemo, I’m gonna be a little pissed. Most of all, I wish I could just know.
A, our counselor, put it best. It’s such an “undignified” disease. Back to the chair tomorrow.
Day 126 2/14/10 Sunday
I debated over just how much to share in regards to my relationship with the bf while going through this. I worry about permanently painting him in a horrible light, hanging out there for the world to see, especially when he doesn’t even know I’m publishing a blog about everything or will ever be able to share his perspective. However I’m also hoping that in not censoring my feelings through this ordeal, it’ll remind me of the best and worst of this time.
Today, in a total 180 from Friday, I feel almost as energetic as my old self, positive, somewhat cute in my new skirt and tights, and not so heartbroken anymore. Why? Maybe it’s the beautiful sunny day outside. Maybe it’s because the bf did some adequate damage control in his apologies, his reassurances, his affection, and his minimal complaining in spending the day with my family all day Saturday for Chinese new year’s eve. Or maybe it’s because I feel my best right before the chemo and I gained an extra day of freedom and feeling well with the chemo delayed a day for the President’s day holiday.
Knowing that I’d be cooped up again for the upcoming week, I was restless to be out getting stuff done on this wonderful day. Amazingly, I managed to meet a friend for lunch, do a little unpacking, run some errands on my own and go out for dinner and dessert – all without feeling like I wanted to crawl under the covers and pass out. It’s amazing how being able to do these simple things, even for a day, brings me so much joy again.
Today, in a total 180 from Friday, I feel almost as energetic as my old self, positive, somewhat cute in my new skirt and tights, and not so heartbroken anymore. Why? Maybe it’s the beautiful sunny day outside. Maybe it’s because the bf did some adequate damage control in his apologies, his reassurances, his affection, and his minimal complaining in spending the day with my family all day Saturday for Chinese new year’s eve. Or maybe it’s because I feel my best right before the chemo and I gained an extra day of freedom and feeling well with the chemo delayed a day for the President’s day holiday.
Knowing that I’d be cooped up again for the upcoming week, I was restless to be out getting stuff done on this wonderful day. Amazingly, I managed to meet a friend for lunch, do a little unpacking, run some errands on my own and go out for dinner and dessert – all without feeling like I wanted to crawl under the covers and pass out. It’s amazing how being able to do these simple things, even for a day, brings me so much joy again.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Day 120 2/8/10 Monday
Again, I lost it today out of frustration on my own limitations. The bf has been great at going everywhere with me – we do all our errands together. However, I grew impatient with him today after another late start of getting out of the house, three days in a row.
Normally, I’d just run these errands by myself. No need to wait for each other. And actually I still can. However, it is monumentally more tiring and more of an effort to drive all over the place and lug things around. In that moment, my frustration with his slowness and my own new found dependence on him reached a breaking point.
Normally, I’d just run these errands by myself. No need to wait for each other. And actually I still can. However, it is monumentally more tiring and more of an effort to drive all over the place and lug things around. In that moment, my frustration with his slowness and my own new found dependence on him reached a breaking point.
Day 118 2/6/10 Saturday
I woke up sobbing today. And I’m sure I scared the bejeezus out of the bf. In the end, Wavy talked me out of my tree and I feel better. Nothing like a great friend to talk some sense into you and make you laugh.
It’s as if a wave of weariness and realization hit me this morning. How did I get here? I miss my old life when I could feel pretty, dress up (in clothes that still felt comfortable!), work out when frustrated, and go out with friends whenever I wanted and not by some chemo/nausea schedule. I miss being wanted by my bf and complimented by coworkers.
My hands don’t even look like mine. They’re darker and dry, the nail beds are purpley and they look like a sick person’s hands.
I think a lot of the things I touched upon yesterday, including the most recent counseling session and the heavy mood of the support group lately are all accumulating in my head. I just felt terribly alone for a moment.
It’s as if a wave of weariness and realization hit me this morning. How did I get here? I miss my old life when I could feel pretty, dress up (in clothes that still felt comfortable!), work out when frustrated, and go out with friends whenever I wanted and not by some chemo/nausea schedule. I miss being wanted by my bf and complimented by coworkers.
My hands don’t even look like mine. They’re darker and dry, the nail beds are purpley and they look like a sick person’s hands.
I think a lot of the things I touched upon yesterday, including the most recent counseling session and the heavy mood of the support group lately are all accumulating in my head. I just felt terribly alone for a moment.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Day 116 2/4/10 Thursday
Proof that my taste buds/sense of smell are completely f’ed up. I walked out of the support group today and into the street smelling onion rings. I was momentarily excited until I realized it was car exhaust. Or was it? Because then it smelled like onion rings again. Then car exhaust. Could have been both but I saw no evidence of fast food anywhere. I’m going insane.
Later that night as I devoured the egg custard my parents made me, the bf loudly exclaimed that it smelled like rotten eggs. Say what??? I stuck my nose into the bowl and barely smelled a thing. And you know what? It tasted damm good. So I'm gonna chalk that one up to him being crazy and prejudiced against custard. (Too allay any fears, I called my parents to make sure it was still good and that they had some that day too.. Whew…)
Later that night as I devoured the egg custard my parents made me, the bf loudly exclaimed that it smelled like rotten eggs. Say what??? I stuck my nose into the bowl and barely smelled a thing. And you know what? It tasted damm good. So I'm gonna chalk that one up to him being crazy and prejudiced against custard. (Too allay any fears, I called my parents to make sure it was still good and that they had some that day too.. Whew…)
Day 115 2/3/10 Wed
Completely useless today. Nauseous, tired, and frustrated from not being able to unpack or clean up the place. I’m almost embarrassed when the cable guy or maintenance guys come in to do their work. Everything is in shambles and I have to remain patient with myself and the bf for not doing everything at once. It will take time but I just want to be settled in and comfortable. At least I finally have TV and internet!
Day 113 2/1/10 Monday
Sixth session of chemo done! Two more to go! Maybe today was a bad vein, but today was definitely one of the tougher chemo sessions. The vein hurt again when I was infused with dacabarzine. I also started getting nauseous and experiencing that metal spoon taste in my mouth before I was even done with chemo. It must be that cumulative effect. I’m soooooo glad it’s almost over.
Tired and stressed as he was, the bf picked up dinner and surprised me with some Pinkberry. ☺ He also managed to coordinate with my dad and meet up in the afternoon so that my dad could drop off more of mom’s food for us. It’s time like these I have to stop and make sure I don’t take any of these efforts from my loved ones for granted.
My childhood friend, R, took a day off to take me to chemo and we caught up on the past year’s events. We hadn’t seen each other in a year and unfortunately (or fortunately!) the first time we’re meeting up again is for her to drive me to a chemo session. She cracked me up – to get everyone off her back at work and allow her to come with me, she used the whole “I’m taking my friend to chemo” to make everyone feel bad and leave her alone. Hey, glad to be of service! Whatever works.
Tired and stressed as he was, the bf picked up dinner and surprised me with some Pinkberry. ☺ He also managed to coordinate with my dad and meet up in the afternoon so that my dad could drop off more of mom’s food for us. It’s time like these I have to stop and make sure I don’t take any of these efforts from my loved ones for granted.
My childhood friend, R, took a day off to take me to chemo and we caught up on the past year’s events. We hadn’t seen each other in a year and unfortunately (or fortunately!) the first time we’re meeting up again is for her to drive me to a chemo session. She cracked me up – to get everyone off her back at work and allow her to come with me, she used the whole “I’m taking my friend to chemo” to make everyone feel bad and leave her alone. Hey, glad to be of service! Whatever works.
Day 112 1/31/10 Sunday
Wow. My entire body is tired to the bone. And I’ve only unpacked a little. This is stressing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)