In counseling today, A brought up the C word and how it’s affected the bf and me. It allowed the bf to open up about his father in a way I hadn’t heard before. I started tearing up at his explanations of awkwardness with his dying father toward the end. It also showed me that in a way, I’m bringing up this grieving process in him that he never dealt with. It’s all so sad.
On a good note, counseling between us is still going really well in terms of no actual tears or hurt feelings shed yet! It’s still early, but I guess I was expecting some kind of battlefield at a certain point.
The indigestion and nausea still linger per usual but I’m looking forward to possibly going out for tea with a friend, after being a shut-in all week.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Day 102 1/21/10 Thursday
Everything still tastes disgusting and I still don’t feel too great. Thank you constipation and nausea. I haven’t left the house since Monday’s chemo session but will attempt to go to the support group. It’s funny how comfortable I’ve gotten in discussing how coffee will help my digestion and constipation or how when I sneeze hair falls off my head… with just about anyone who will listen. It’s like I’ve let go my inhibitions on certain topics or maybe I don’t care as much if I make other people uncomfortable?
At the support group last week, one lady said she didn’t want to tell anyone at all about her diagnosis while one of my favorite gals, M, said she “told anyone who had ears.” I was probably somewhere in the middle though closer to M. Might as well get it out there instead of hiding it right?
I also noticed that I’m getting more daring with the eating again. Like sushi (cooked stuff of course!) and sometimes seared stuff on my good weeks. Technically I only need to be careful when my white blood cell count is low, but it’s never been an issue yet.
While everyone was extremely happy for me about the chemo update, the bf seemed cautiously happy and wary. In fact, he felt that more than ever, we should be careful about me getting sick or in contact with germs so as to not derail the treatment schedule in any way. I guess I need someone like that looking out for me, but I hope this means he feels better overall about the severity of my condition.
At the support group last week, one lady said she didn’t want to tell anyone at all about her diagnosis while one of my favorite gals, M, said she “told anyone who had ears.” I was probably somewhere in the middle though closer to M. Might as well get it out there instead of hiding it right?
I also noticed that I’m getting more daring with the eating again. Like sushi (cooked stuff of course!) and sometimes seared stuff on my good weeks. Technically I only need to be careful when my white blood cell count is low, but it’s never been an issue yet.
While everyone was extremely happy for me about the chemo update, the bf seemed cautiously happy and wary. In fact, he felt that more than ever, we should be careful about me getting sick or in contact with germs so as to not derail the treatment schedule in any way. I guess I need someone like that looking out for me, but I hope this means he feels better overall about the severity of my condition.
Day 100 1/19/10 Tuesday
Wow, it’s my 100th day of living with this and I’ve spent it like a grumpy Rip Van Winkle. Slept in till nearly 1pm, took a nap from 5-7 and cranky about see-sawing between hunger and nausea/too-fullness. Haven’t done much today other than open all the exciting mail. Yup, that was the highlight of the day. I should pack, I should read, I should write more, and I should file. But whatever.
Day 99 1/18/10 Monday
Chemo is now more than half over! Whoo hoo! It was the fastest chemo treatment yet. It took just under 4 ½ hours instead of the usual 5+ hours. The bf came with me, once again, under pouring rain conditions. We both slept through a chunk of it, read magazines, and chatted a bit. The best part was that for the first time, the dacabarzine didn’t burn like hell. I don’t know whether they found a tougher vein or if it was more saline, but yay for the nurses!
The downfall, since nothing can be all that perfect, is that the nausea started especially early. It started today right after our afternoon nap. Bleh.
The downfall, since nothing can be all that perfect, is that the nausea started especially early. It started today right after our afternoon nap. Bleh.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Day 96 1/15/10 Friday
What an eventful day! First the bf and I FINALLY started counseling together. The original purpose was to help him with the caregiver support type grief counseling. But now I think it’ll also help us with all of our stupid little problems and become more of a couples counseling too.
After the counseling, I trekked back out to Pasadena again for the doctor’s visit and the results of my PET scan. I got the BEST NEWS EVER! Apparently most of the lymph nodes have shrunk back down to normal and the metabolic rate of the cancer is near negative! That means, she’s reducing the amount of chemo to 4 more sessions. Then a month of radiation. I nearly started crying at the office when she told me. Instead of 4-6 more months of chemo, it’s only two!!!
Of course there will be scans and blood tests every 3 months for the next three to five years or so, but I’m half way done! I’m almost in shock that I might not get to be taken care of by these wonderful nurses so soon.
After the counseling, I trekked back out to Pasadena again for the doctor’s visit and the results of my PET scan. I got the BEST NEWS EVER! Apparently most of the lymph nodes have shrunk back down to normal and the metabolic rate of the cancer is near negative! That means, she’s reducing the amount of chemo to 4 more sessions. Then a month of radiation. I nearly started crying at the office when she told me. Instead of 4-6 more months of chemo, it’s only two!!!
Of course there will be scans and blood tests every 3 months for the next three to five years or so, but I’m half way done! I’m almost in shock that I might not get to be taken care of by these wonderful nurses so soon.
Day 94 1/13/10 Wednesday
PET/CT scan day! The PET scan is no fun, on account of wanting to throw up when you first go in the machine, but I survived.
It reaffirmed to me how much I love like 95% of my health care team. Joe, the tech, not only remembered me, he also remembered that my veins were tough to get an IV in on the first try. He also got my thank you card, saying other than his immediate family, mine was the only other card he got.
I have to admit, though I’m good with thank you cards, I never thought to thank my doctors or techs until all of this happened. And now that I think of it, why don’t we all do that more? I know they’re doing their job, but I imagine like every other job, a little appreciation goes a long way and hey, helps the patient too!
It reaffirmed to me how much I love like 95% of my health care team. Joe, the tech, not only remembered me, he also remembered that my veins were tough to get an IV in on the first try. He also got my thank you card, saying other than his immediate family, mine was the only other card he got.
I have to admit, though I’m good with thank you cards, I never thought to thank my doctors or techs until all of this happened. And now that I think of it, why don’t we all do that more? I know they’re doing their job, but I imagine like every other job, a little appreciation goes a long way and hey, helps the patient too!
Day 92 1/11/10 Monday
I am restless but may have overbooked myself for the rest of the week in overcompensating for the past week of inactivity. My right arm inexplicably aches. Hopefully the chiropractor will be able to help me out with all the bizarre aches and pains I’ve been getting.
The PET/CT scan is happening Wednesday. That should tell us a lot about my progress. Otherwise what I feel is drudgery toward more of the chemo. It’s not a fun schedule. And yet it’s the only sense of schedule I have these days. I imagine I might even miss the attentiveness of the nurses, the attention and leeway from friends and family, and having to keep to this rigorous treatment once I’m done. Kind of like Stockholm syndrome but with a disease. It’s a wary dance.
To top it off, my flaky shedding head, it’s like Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club, where she shakes her head vigorously and dandruff and crap fall to the desk. I’m gross.
The PET/CT scan is happening Wednesday. That should tell us a lot about my progress. Otherwise what I feel is drudgery toward more of the chemo. It’s not a fun schedule. And yet it’s the only sense of schedule I have these days. I imagine I might even miss the attentiveness of the nurses, the attention and leeway from friends and family, and having to keep to this rigorous treatment once I’m done. Kind of like Stockholm syndrome but with a disease. It’s a wary dance.
To top it off, my flaky shedding head, it’s like Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club, where she shakes her head vigorously and dandruff and crap fall to the desk. I’m gross.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)