Showing posts with label Doctors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Doctors. Show all posts
Friday, February 5, 2010
Day 107 1/26/10 Tuesday
I have eczema! Stupid chemo and incessant handwashing… The dermatologist noticed that none of my current medications or cancer status was in the computer. Strange. Anyway, she told me I looked good, gained some weight (pooh) and we caught up on our personal lives. Yes, THIS is why I love all my doctors in this network and will drive 20 miles out there. Sigh.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Day 96 1/15/10 Friday
What an eventful day! First the bf and I FINALLY started counseling together. The original purpose was to help him with the caregiver support type grief counseling. But now I think it’ll also help us with all of our stupid little problems and become more of a couples counseling too.
After the counseling, I trekked back out to Pasadena again for the doctor’s visit and the results of my PET scan. I got the BEST NEWS EVER! Apparently most of the lymph nodes have shrunk back down to normal and the metabolic rate of the cancer is near negative! That means, she’s reducing the amount of chemo to 4 more sessions. Then a month of radiation. I nearly started crying at the office when she told me. Instead of 4-6 more months of chemo, it’s only two!!!
Of course there will be scans and blood tests every 3 months for the next three to five years or so, but I’m half way done! I’m almost in shock that I might not get to be taken care of by these wonderful nurses so soon.
After the counseling, I trekked back out to Pasadena again for the doctor’s visit and the results of my PET scan. I got the BEST NEWS EVER! Apparently most of the lymph nodes have shrunk back down to normal and the metabolic rate of the cancer is near negative! That means, she’s reducing the amount of chemo to 4 more sessions. Then a month of radiation. I nearly started crying at the office when she told me. Instead of 4-6 more months of chemo, it’s only two!!!
Of course there will be scans and blood tests every 3 months for the next three to five years or so, but I’m half way done! I’m almost in shock that I might not get to be taken care of by these wonderful nurses so soon.
Day 94 1/13/10 Wednesday
PET/CT scan day! The PET scan is no fun, on account of wanting to throw up when you first go in the machine, but I survived.
It reaffirmed to me how much I love like 95% of my health care team. Joe, the tech, not only remembered me, he also remembered that my veins were tough to get an IV in on the first try. He also got my thank you card, saying other than his immediate family, mine was the only other card he got.
I have to admit, though I’m good with thank you cards, I never thought to thank my doctors or techs until all of this happened. And now that I think of it, why don’t we all do that more? I know they’re doing their job, but I imagine like every other job, a little appreciation goes a long way and hey, helps the patient too!
It reaffirmed to me how much I love like 95% of my health care team. Joe, the tech, not only remembered me, he also remembered that my veins were tough to get an IV in on the first try. He also got my thank you card, saying other than his immediate family, mine was the only other card he got.
I have to admit, though I’m good with thank you cards, I never thought to thank my doctors or techs until all of this happened. And now that I think of it, why don’t we all do that more? I know they’re doing their job, but I imagine like every other job, a little appreciation goes a long way and hey, helps the patient too!
Day 92 1/11/10 Monday
I am restless but may have overbooked myself for the rest of the week in overcompensating for the past week of inactivity. My right arm inexplicably aches. Hopefully the chiropractor will be able to help me out with all the bizarre aches and pains I’ve been getting.
The PET/CT scan is happening Wednesday. That should tell us a lot about my progress. Otherwise what I feel is drudgery toward more of the chemo. It’s not a fun schedule. And yet it’s the only sense of schedule I have these days. I imagine I might even miss the attentiveness of the nurses, the attention and leeway from friends and family, and having to keep to this rigorous treatment once I’m done. Kind of like Stockholm syndrome but with a disease. It’s a wary dance.
To top it off, my flaky shedding head, it’s like Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club, where she shakes her head vigorously and dandruff and crap fall to the desk. I’m gross.
The PET/CT scan is happening Wednesday. That should tell us a lot about my progress. Otherwise what I feel is drudgery toward more of the chemo. It’s not a fun schedule. And yet it’s the only sense of schedule I have these days. I imagine I might even miss the attentiveness of the nurses, the attention and leeway from friends and family, and having to keep to this rigorous treatment once I’m done. Kind of like Stockholm syndrome but with a disease. It’s a wary dance.
To top it off, my flaky shedding head, it’s like Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club, where she shakes her head vigorously and dandruff and crap fall to the desk. I’m gross.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Day 87 1/5/10 Tuesday
This morning I blew my nose and hair fell off my head. That is so annoying. My hair thins more and more each day. Yet, it’s not quite so bad where I have a bald spot yet, forcing my hand to shave it all off. This in between stage is the pits, but maybe when I’m bald I’ll be singing another tune. For now, I shed more than my cat!
On a bright note, the doctor said four more cycles (or months) should likely do the trick for kicking the cancer’s ass. Of course, we still have to battle the ever retarded Blue Shield and get my PET/CT scans approved for next week. That way, she can check the progress to confirm her guestimate.
I also got a slew of errands done today in preparation for the next couple days of staring at the wall time. I’ve actually been waiting for the nausea and metal spoon taste to set in today, but it’s nearly 8pm and it hasn’t hit me yet. It usually hits by late afternoon but maybe I lucked out today.
On a bright note, the doctor said four more cycles (or months) should likely do the trick for kicking the cancer’s ass. Of course, we still have to battle the ever retarded Blue Shield and get my PET/CT scans approved for next week. That way, she can check the progress to confirm her guestimate.
I also got a slew of errands done today in preparation for the next couple days of staring at the wall time. I’ve actually been waiting for the nausea and metal spoon taste to set in today, but it’s nearly 8pm and it hasn’t hit me yet. It usually hits by late afternoon but maybe I lucked out today.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Day 69 12/17/09 Thursday
I completely unloaded at the support group today. I had been waiting all week and boy did it help.
Basically I’ve been kinda down. I think for the most part, I’ve tried to stay positive outwardly and inwardly but I’m getting worn down. The “off” week for the 2nd round of chemo wasn’t as pleasant as the first time. My stomach has been unhappy. And to top it off, I stumbled upon the clinic’s website, which was very informative but also depressing.
Apparently, stage 2B and bulky disease is considered advanced stages of Hodgkins Lymphoma. Imagine my surprise. Here I was thinking, whew, thank goodness I’m only at stage 2. God damn it all to hell.
What really pisses me off is that when I first got diagnoses, I didn’t have all those B symptoms. I was still ok. But by the time, I saw the oncologist, and got my staging, I was getting to be a hot mess and all those symptoms developed. In a matter of weeks, I went from early stages to advanced stages! ARGH!!!!
As I shared this news with the women of Helen’s Room, they allowed me to take up the bulk of the hour with my venting. “A”, our social worker of the group correctly explained to me that not only was it anger I was feeling, it was trauma. Finding out all this new information and constantly undergoing all these new things as I do chemo is traumatizing.
It also doesn’t help that I feel lonely in a different way. I have wonderful family and friends supporting me, but they can’t understand or empathize with this journey. I also spend the majority of time alone at home, now that I haven’t worked in nearly a year. The bf keeps having mini meltdowns and my dad refuses to let my mom tell her side of the family about me for fear of unnecessary worrying and misinformation. (You know, one family member tells another like the game of telephone, and next thing you know, all my relatives think I’m dying.)
Anyway, unloading all of this helped. I have no solutions for it, but at least I’m not cooping it all up inside for now.
Basically I’ve been kinda down. I think for the most part, I’ve tried to stay positive outwardly and inwardly but I’m getting worn down. The “off” week for the 2nd round of chemo wasn’t as pleasant as the first time. My stomach has been unhappy. And to top it off, I stumbled upon the clinic’s website, which was very informative but also depressing.
Apparently, stage 2B and bulky disease is considered advanced stages of Hodgkins Lymphoma. Imagine my surprise. Here I was thinking, whew, thank goodness I’m only at stage 2. God damn it all to hell.
What really pisses me off is that when I first got diagnoses, I didn’t have all those B symptoms. I was still ok. But by the time, I saw the oncologist, and got my staging, I was getting to be a hot mess and all those symptoms developed. In a matter of weeks, I went from early stages to advanced stages! ARGH!!!!
As I shared this news with the women of Helen’s Room, they allowed me to take up the bulk of the hour with my venting. “A”, our social worker of the group correctly explained to me that not only was it anger I was feeling, it was trauma. Finding out all this new information and constantly undergoing all these new things as I do chemo is traumatizing.
It also doesn’t help that I feel lonely in a different way. I have wonderful family and friends supporting me, but they can’t understand or empathize with this journey. I also spend the majority of time alone at home, now that I haven’t worked in nearly a year. The bf keeps having mini meltdowns and my dad refuses to let my mom tell her side of the family about me for fear of unnecessary worrying and misinformation. (You know, one family member tells another like the game of telephone, and next thing you know, all my relatives think I’m dying.)
Anyway, unloading all of this helped. I have no solutions for it, but at least I’m not cooping it all up inside for now.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Day 59 12/7/09 Monday
Round 2 of chemo. It still took 5 hours because the Dacarbazine burns like hell if it goes faster than the speed of a 3 hour drip. Even then, the nurses had to keep heat pads on my arm to dilate the vein. Annie said this time this must have hit a bigger more tender vein. Sigh.
Bf kept me company today though I’m sure it was a little boring for him. Packed room today. I still took the longest and was the last one there. Pooh.
Bf kept me company today though I’m sure it was a little boring for him. Packed room today. I still took the longest and was the last one there. Pooh.
Day 56 12/4/09 Friday
Today I got some of the best news I’ve gotten in awhile, especially from a doctor! After telling the Dr I was getting cabin fever and a bit depressed being trapped at home so much, she told me to go out! She ordered me to see a movie this weekend, go to the mall, go out and enjoy myself!
Apparently, the weekend before chemo will be the time I’m at my best, in terms of immune system. No masks needed, just be careful with washing hands and all that good stuff. YES!!!! I’m going to see New Moon and and indulge my inner teenager.
Apparently, the weekend before chemo will be the time I’m at my best, in terms of immune system. No masks needed, just be careful with washing hands and all that good stuff. YES!!!! I’m going to see New Moon and and indulge my inner teenager.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Day 52 11/30/09 Monday
It’s been a good day. I couldn’t sleep all night due to anxiety from the blood test this morning, but I had THE BEST phlebotomist ever who managed to calm me down by chatting about cheeseburgers, found a vein, and drew blood in 20 seconds flat. Ed. How I love thee. I told him I’m going back to him every time.
(I was completely traumatized by Wednesday’s encounter at the Santa Monica Labcorp – nearly 3 hours and five painful sticks that left my poor arms black and blue. I HATE them. I was in tears when I got home.)
After the morning nausea and anxiety, I was so relieved the rest of the day that I managed to be more productive than I have been in a long time. I actually went out to lunch and ate out with a good friend. Delicious!!! Of course, we sat outside far away from other people, but it felt good to have a normal lunch with a friend and a normal appetite while enjoying some Hawaiian food and another milkshake.
I ran errands and finally wrote thank you cards to all the wonderful techs and healthcare folks I’ve encountered along the way. I resisted napping to take care of all the little things online, like finances... I’m sure I’ll crash early tonight, but it’s been such a good day of feeling normal. Hooray for these kinds of days!
(I was completely traumatized by Wednesday’s encounter at the Santa Monica Labcorp – nearly 3 hours and five painful sticks that left my poor arms black and blue. I HATE them. I was in tears when I got home.)
After the morning nausea and anxiety, I was so relieved the rest of the day that I managed to be more productive than I have been in a long time. I actually went out to lunch and ate out with a good friend. Delicious!!! Of course, we sat outside far away from other people, but it felt good to have a normal lunch with a friend and a normal appetite while enjoying some Hawaiian food and another milkshake.
I ran errands and finally wrote thank you cards to all the wonderful techs and healthcare folks I’ve encountered along the way. I resisted napping to take care of all the little things online, like finances... I’m sure I’ll crash early tonight, but it’s been such a good day of feeling normal. Hooray for these kinds of days!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Day 24 – 11/2/09 Monday
Today I got a bone marrow biopsy, which if possible, no one should get twice in their life. It wasn’t the sharp pain I was expecting, but it’s a different kind of uncomfortable down to the core type of pain. Let’s just say I could feel it through my leg when she went through the bone marrow.
I’m still loving the oncologist, who seems more like a stylish fashion designer than a doctor. She has a great bedside manner and was very chatty to distract me from the biopsy. She also wants me to start chemo as soon as possible, as soon as the fertility doctor clears me. This means chemo is happening in possibly less than 3 weeks, right before Thanksgiving. NO giant feast for me!
I’m still loving the oncologist, who seems more like a stylish fashion designer than a doctor. She has a great bedside manner and was very chatty to distract me from the biopsy. She also wants me to start chemo as soon as possible, as soon as the fertility doctor clears me. This means chemo is happening in possibly less than 3 weeks, right before Thanksgiving. NO giant feast for me!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Day 12 – 10/21/09 Wednesday
The oncologist called today and asked if I could come in Friday. I called back and told them I was in Yellowstone and had decided to take a little vacation before all the craziness started. They were able to squeeze me in next Monday instead of my original appointment Thursday. Which is great! But then I was thinking hmm, is that good or bad? The receptionist assured me it was because they had a cancellation and the doctor wanted to see me earlier.
The bf brought up shaving my head again. But now we (he) start joking about how I’m going to look like a man and I’m going to be crying every time I lose hair. He also mentioned that I look like a different person right now because of the shape of my face. Sigh.
ToughMom IMed me to check in on our trip and also told me that she and her husband had researched Hodgkins on wikipedia. She mentioned that 1) it was the most curable cancer, 2) the chemo treatment they use is the gentlest one and 3) which means there is a chance I won’t lose my hair or not be able to have kids. All on the bright side though I’m fully prepared for both. Guess we’ll find out next Monday!
The bf brought up shaving my head again. But now we (he) start joking about how I’m going to look like a man and I’m going to be crying every time I lose hair. He also mentioned that I look like a different person right now because of the shape of my face. Sigh.
ToughMom IMed me to check in on our trip and also told me that she and her husband had researched Hodgkins on wikipedia. She mentioned that 1) it was the most curable cancer, 2) the chemo treatment they use is the gentlest one and 3) which means there is a chance I won’t lose my hair or not be able to have kids. All on the bright side though I’m fully prepared for both. Guess we’ll find out next Monday!
Day 7 – 10/16/09 Friday
The doctor’s office called with some good news and said that I could take my slides to the UCLA pathology labs instead of USC. YES! Closer and a better hospital!
We were supposed to leave for Yellowstone tomorrow but at the rate we’re going with the planning, it’s looking like Sunday. We ended up watching the movie
The bf and I also both went to the chiropractor today, where I told her about my diagnosis. Again she was very positive about it just like everyone else. Not much other C word related issues to deal with today except that I do get easily tired and achy, especially at night after we watched a movie with friends. It probably didn’t help that I hadn’t slept well or enough the last nights and I could feel my throat starting to hurt. Yikes. Last thing I need is a cold too!
The bf got upset with me for not taking better care of myself and insisted that I shower and get to bed right away. Wouldn’t let me forage for food for him or dawdle. Is it going to be like this from now on? I told him I’m not broken, just a little tired. But I see him getting increasingly worried about every little thing I have.
We were supposed to leave for Yellowstone tomorrow but at the rate we’re going with the planning, it’s looking like Sunday. We ended up watching the movie
The bf and I also both went to the chiropractor today, where I told her about my diagnosis. Again she was very positive about it just like everyone else. Not much other C word related issues to deal with today except that I do get easily tired and achy, especially at night after we watched a movie with friends. It probably didn’t help that I hadn’t slept well or enough the last nights and I could feel my throat starting to hurt. Yikes. Last thing I need is a cold too!
The bf got upset with me for not taking better care of myself and insisted that I shower and get to bed right away. Wouldn’t let me forage for food for him or dawdle. Is it going to be like this from now on? I told him I’m not broken, just a little tired. But I see him getting increasingly worried about every little thing I have.
Day 6 – 10/15/09 Thursday
A bit of an emotionally overwrought day. I spent half the day with Dr. Roommate at UCLA surgical waiting room and things were as normal as could be. There were no tears, just us casually discussing my case, how her husband handled telling people about his tumor(badly), us walking down to her Westwood with her FIL to get a bite to eat… I’m happy that we got to spend the day together even if we didn’t get as much privacy from her in-laws as we would have liked.
The neurosurgeon who handled her husband’s surgery was amazingly warm, friendly, patient and young. So atypical of everything I’ve heard and seen on TV about surgeons being clinical and cold. Dude, I want her as a doctor. But maybe not so much for neurosurgery.
At home, the bf had cleaned the whole place and it was amazing. Aaaahhhh…
Dr. Roommate had advised that I should tell a couple of close friends I trusted to ease the burden. And she also guessed that it would be Stage 2A since it’s spread to my armpit lymph nodes and didn’t have too many symptoms. The worst part is that she did confirm my fears that I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids normally after chemo and that I’d have to harvest my eggs if in vitro was an option I wanted to keep open later. Man that is heavy shit to deal with all at once. And more invasive procedures. Ugh.
I revealed the news to my second friend Homey. I was driving her to the airport and decided that the alone time would work. She didn’t seem too shocked and said she noticed that I had seemed off on Saturday. She handled it perfectly, not all emotional at all, and offered to help for anything except cooking. She also said good luck keeping our friend Hungry Monster away once she finds out since she’s so devoted to taking care of people.
Unfortunately, the bf and I had a bit of a breakdown at night before going to bed. I’m sure this is common with other patients, but he’s afraid of hurting me more with any physical intimacy. He’s can’t see me as a sexual object right now though I am the “love of his life.” It’s incredibly frustrating because even when we’re both healthy, the frequency of intimacy has always been an issue. With him working long hours for weeks until beginning of October and me being tired and achy, this is the longest stretch we’ve ever gone. Now, with the C word looming over our heads like a giant unsexy bat, it’s even worse.
All I can think of is, dude I’m still fine right now and the drive is there, but soon it won’t and it’s going to be a long stretch where either I won’t be up for it, or he’ll be even more mentally and emotionally distraught to try anything. I could only weep at the frustration and unfairness of it all. It’s beyond my control if he’s not feeling it. I know he loves me and all he wants is for me to get better. That is his priority. He’s plentiful with the hugs, kisses, declarations of love and any other woman out there would be overjoyed with having just that. He doesn’t mind if we can’t have kids and said we could adopt. I’m appreciative and love him dearly but in the meantime, I have to live like a nun until he finds that passion again. Or I could dress like a ho everyday and prance about until that works.
The neurosurgeon who handled her husband’s surgery was amazingly warm, friendly, patient and young. So atypical of everything I’ve heard and seen on TV about surgeons being clinical and cold. Dude, I want her as a doctor. But maybe not so much for neurosurgery.
At home, the bf had cleaned the whole place and it was amazing. Aaaahhhh…
Dr. Roommate had advised that I should tell a couple of close friends I trusted to ease the burden. And she also guessed that it would be Stage 2A since it’s spread to my armpit lymph nodes and didn’t have too many symptoms. The worst part is that she did confirm my fears that I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids normally after chemo and that I’d have to harvest my eggs if in vitro was an option I wanted to keep open later. Man that is heavy shit to deal with all at once. And more invasive procedures. Ugh.
I revealed the news to my second friend Homey. I was driving her to the airport and decided that the alone time would work. She didn’t seem too shocked and said she noticed that I had seemed off on Saturday. She handled it perfectly, not all emotional at all, and offered to help for anything except cooking. She also said good luck keeping our friend Hungry Monster away once she finds out since she’s so devoted to taking care of people.
Unfortunately, the bf and I had a bit of a breakdown at night before going to bed. I’m sure this is common with other patients, but he’s afraid of hurting me more with any physical intimacy. He’s can’t see me as a sexual object right now though I am the “love of his life.” It’s incredibly frustrating because even when we’re both healthy, the frequency of intimacy has always been an issue. With him working long hours for weeks until beginning of October and me being tired and achy, this is the longest stretch we’ve ever gone. Now, with the C word looming over our heads like a giant unsexy bat, it’s even worse.
All I can think of is, dude I’m still fine right now and the drive is there, but soon it won’t and it’s going to be a long stretch where either I won’t be up for it, or he’ll be even more mentally and emotionally distraught to try anything. I could only weep at the frustration and unfairness of it all. It’s beyond my control if he’s not feeling it. I know he loves me and all he wants is for me to get better. That is his priority. He’s plentiful with the hugs, kisses, declarations of love and any other woman out there would be overjoyed with having just that. He doesn’t mind if we can’t have kids and said we could adopt. I’m appreciative and love him dearly but in the meantime, I have to live like a nun until he finds that passion again. Or I could dress like a ho everyday and prance about until that works.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Day 5 – 10/14/09 Wednesday
Crazy morning. The receptionist from the PCP’s office called me to say that an appointment with the oncologist in 2 weeks is PERFECTLY FINE. Really?!! What if this shit spreads? I mean REALLY?! We don’t even know what F-ing stage this is yet! But she insisted that if the doctor had thought it was urgent she would have made the call to squeeze me in. I GUESS I’ll trust them on this. Sometimes I wonder if I need to be more of an asshole to get what I want. Probably everyone would say yes.
In one of the stupidest ways possible, I leaked the info to my first friend - my college roommate who fortunately enough is a doctor. Somehow while I had put her on hold to take the call from the dr’s office, my fat ole face managed to mash the right combination of buttons on my Iphone to conference the calls together and even dial a random person. Luckily I managed to hang up on the random person before it got through. Seriously, I don’t even know how to conference people together on purpose.
Anyway, Dr. Roommate heard the whole exchange between the unhelpful receptionist and me. She said she was going to ask me point blank if it was lymphoma or infectious in nature anyway as soon as I mentioned lymph nodes. Guess you can’t be too specific with medically savvy folks. I’m relieved to get it off my chest to one person, even if I hadn’t planned on telling her first. To top it off, her husband is having brain surgery tomorrow to remove a tumor!! She would have been one of the last people I wanted to burden my news on – she and all the friends who just had babies. But in a way, now we have our bad news together while everyone is sharing good news.
I started crying on the way home from lunch about it. We’re only 34! We’re young. Why us? Why are we like some crazy soap opera? One has a brain tumor and the other has cancer? Seriously when did life start imitating Grey’s Anatomy?
Well, I am looking forward to using this as an excuse to go on our Yellowstone trip though I know I’m not going to do any hard core hiking and activities. And I am looking forward to keeping Dr. Roommate company tomorrow at UCLA while her husband undergoes surgery. I have a feeling I might have a good cry or two.
In one of the stupidest ways possible, I leaked the info to my first friend - my college roommate who fortunately enough is a doctor. Somehow while I had put her on hold to take the call from the dr’s office, my fat ole face managed to mash the right combination of buttons on my Iphone to conference the calls together and even dial a random person. Luckily I managed to hang up on the random person before it got through. Seriously, I don’t even know how to conference people together on purpose.
Anyway, Dr. Roommate heard the whole exchange between the unhelpful receptionist and me. She said she was going to ask me point blank if it was lymphoma or infectious in nature anyway as soon as I mentioned lymph nodes. Guess you can’t be too specific with medically savvy folks. I’m relieved to get it off my chest to one person, even if I hadn’t planned on telling her first. To top it off, her husband is having brain surgery tomorrow to remove a tumor!! She would have been one of the last people I wanted to burden my news on – she and all the friends who just had babies. But in a way, now we have our bad news together while everyone is sharing good news.
I started crying on the way home from lunch about it. We’re only 34! We’re young. Why us? Why are we like some crazy soap opera? One has a brain tumor and the other has cancer? Seriously when did life start imitating Grey’s Anatomy?
Well, I am looking forward to using this as an excuse to go on our Yellowstone trip though I know I’m not going to do any hard core hiking and activities. And I am looking forward to keeping Dr. Roommate company tomorrow at UCLA while her husband undergoes surgery. I have a feeling I might have a good cry or two.
Day 4 – 10/13/09 Tuesday
The doctor called me first thing this morning at 8am and now I can kinda get the ball rolling. The bf and I drove out to Arcadia to pick up my biopsy report and slides, pick up my referral for the oncologist, and to balance it out had lunch at Din Tai Fung, got some boba, and stopped by my dad’s office to pick up my birthday galoshes from my cousin.
Unfortunately when we got home and I tried to make an appointment with the oncologist, her first appointment is two weeks from now. The receptionist suggested that I could call my PCP to see if she could pull some strings to get me an earlier appointment, but we’ll see. Now I wait some more. Which is not only highly aggravating but isn’t it life threatening as my cancer could be spreading throughout my body as I type? The only positive I can see is that we could take our trip to Yellowstone in the meantime and get away from everyone and their concerned questions, have a nice a vacation before I come back and deal with reality.
It’s getting so hard to keep up the charade with my closest friends who ask me everyday if I’ve heard anything and how I’m doing. I so want to tell them, but I have so little info at this point to share. I might succumb soon. In the meantime, I warned the bf I’m going to want to eat a lot of good foods because I know won’t be able to for awhile.
I looked up some of the crazy medical terms in my pathology report. One of them said I had a large presence of “necrotic tissue” which means dead or scarred tissue.
‘What does that mean, that you have a lot of dead tissue?” the bf asked.
“I don’t know, “ I replied. “Maybe that I’m half zombie?”
Unfortunately when we got home and I tried to make an appointment with the oncologist, her first appointment is two weeks from now. The receptionist suggested that I could call my PCP to see if she could pull some strings to get me an earlier appointment, but we’ll see. Now I wait some more. Which is not only highly aggravating but isn’t it life threatening as my cancer could be spreading throughout my body as I type? The only positive I can see is that we could take our trip to Yellowstone in the meantime and get away from everyone and their concerned questions, have a nice a vacation before I come back and deal with reality.
It’s getting so hard to keep up the charade with my closest friends who ask me everyday if I’ve heard anything and how I’m doing. I so want to tell them, but I have so little info at this point to share. I might succumb soon. In the meantime, I warned the bf I’m going to want to eat a lot of good foods because I know won’t be able to for awhile.
I looked up some of the crazy medical terms in my pathology report. One of them said I had a large presence of “necrotic tissue” which means dead or scarred tissue.
‘What does that mean, that you have a lot of dead tissue?” the bf asked.
“I don’t know, “ I replied. “Maybe that I’m half zombie?”
Day 3 – 10/12/09 Monday
Waiting.
I made all the phone calls I could make this morning – to my primary care doctor to review my pathology report so I can start my plan of action, to the lab so I can pick up my report and slides tomorrow, to other pathology labs to get second opinions, back and forth to the ENT specialist and primary care doctor to make sure faxes of my ever elusive report has gotten in to the hands of my primary care doctor….
Everyone I spoke to on the phone was so nice and considerate, yet no pity in their voices. It was the perfect pitch of being sympathetic yet helpful.
And now I wait.
I’ve looked up living will and power of attorney forms, called for cost estimates to review my biopsy slides, and reviewed my health insurance plan to see what’s covered for treatment.
I should clean up the apartment a little, but I’m sleepy. I’m worried about the random aches I have, wondering if that signifies a more advanced stage than I should be. I’m dying to ask my doctor and lawyer friends for help but can’t do so without tipping them off too early.
The bf made me lunch today. A first. I keep telling him I feel ok right now. I’m gonna need this later. But I think he feels so helpless that he needs to try in some way to take care of me now.
7pm
Still waiting for the doctor to call me back. This is really pissing me off. The longer I wait for my staging, the more I’m freaking out about what stage I could be.
Been trying to figure out how to tell my family. It’ll have to be over one of our family dinner nights and I want the bf to be there. Except that I’m afraid they’ll think it’s because we have some happy announcement like we want to get married. So I suggested that maybe the bf could also ask them for permission to marry me, you know, to kinda soften the blow before the bad news? But he nixed the idea because he doesn’t want them to always associate our marriage with bad news. Good point. Plus he said nothing will really soften the blow. All they’ll be able to focus on is the bad news and we’ll just have to rip it off like a band-aid and let them absorb the shock of it for a couple days.
The bf suggested that once I start chemo, we should just shave my head instead of losing chunks of it slowly. Ugh.
I made all the phone calls I could make this morning – to my primary care doctor to review my pathology report so I can start my plan of action, to the lab so I can pick up my report and slides tomorrow, to other pathology labs to get second opinions, back and forth to the ENT specialist and primary care doctor to make sure faxes of my ever elusive report has gotten in to the hands of my primary care doctor….
Everyone I spoke to on the phone was so nice and considerate, yet no pity in their voices. It was the perfect pitch of being sympathetic yet helpful.
And now I wait.
I’ve looked up living will and power of attorney forms, called for cost estimates to review my biopsy slides, and reviewed my health insurance plan to see what’s covered for treatment.
I should clean up the apartment a little, but I’m sleepy. I’m worried about the random aches I have, wondering if that signifies a more advanced stage than I should be. I’m dying to ask my doctor and lawyer friends for help but can’t do so without tipping them off too early.
The bf made me lunch today. A first. I keep telling him I feel ok right now. I’m gonna need this later. But I think he feels so helpless that he needs to try in some way to take care of me now.
7pm
Still waiting for the doctor to call me back. This is really pissing me off. The longer I wait for my staging, the more I’m freaking out about what stage I could be.
Been trying to figure out how to tell my family. It’ll have to be over one of our family dinner nights and I want the bf to be there. Except that I’m afraid they’ll think it’s because we have some happy announcement like we want to get married. So I suggested that maybe the bf could also ask them for permission to marry me, you know, to kinda soften the blow before the bad news? But he nixed the idea because he doesn’t want them to always associate our marriage with bad news. Good point. Plus he said nothing will really soften the blow. All they’ll be able to focus on is the bad news and we’ll just have to rip it off like a band-aid and let them absorb the shock of it for a couple days.
The bf suggested that once I start chemo, we should just shave my head instead of losing chunks of it slowly. Ugh.
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