This sounds terrible, but one of the things I worried about in joining this support group was becoming attached to any of the members and dealing with her death. One of the ladies who used to go to Helen’s Room decided to stop chemo and spend the rest of her days under hospice care at home.
Again, I sound awful, but I’m relieved that I never met her. Most of the ladies who had known her were understandably upset – including one especially cheerful one who broke into tears. To make matters tougher, one of the ladies there with likely terminal breast cancer, whom I have know for a few sessions, started sobbing. It turns out that she had also been leaning toward stopping chemo and enjoying a better quality of life for the rest of her days.
I realize I’m lucky because death has rarely crossed my mind. From the get-go the doctor was so positive about Hodgkins Lymphoma being a curable disease, that I chose to take my cue from her than believe all those statistics and articles I’d read. As awful as chemo side effects are, I’m still better off than before I was treated. I was extremely swollen, in pain, and feeling terrible in general.
I’m not sure who has more to live for – me because I’m young and have yet to go through many life experiences like marriage, kids, house, etc. Or the ladies who have decided to stop fighting since they have loving spouses and kids who depend on and love them.
I do understand that statistically, chances are that my life span may be shorter. And I imagine if I had a recurrence it would devastate me. I see how a recurrence, much less a multiple one could task your fighting spirit but I’ll just have to (cliche!) cross that bridge when I come to it.
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