Day 124 2/12/10 Friday

I’m a little heartbroken today.

In counseling, the bf confirmed one of my worst fears. Remember Day 6? (Of course not, neither do I until I reread what I wrote.) Let’s just say NOW is the longest stretch we’ve gone and he still no longer sees me as a sexual object. Except maybe I had forgotten that he’d said that to me before…maybe I blocked it out. But hearing it out loud again in front of the counselor, along with his longer explanation of how I’m not the person (physically or mentally) he first met and fell for, how he just views me as a sick person, wrenched my heart out and debilitated my already flat ass confidence about my physical appearance and body changes.

Here’s the kicker. I know he loves me and will stand by me. But how do we get past this or know if things will be better once I’m done with treatment? I’ll have check ups every 3 months for years. And I’ll have more doctors’ visits than most people for the rest of my life. How do I get past that “sick” label? How do I become that happy positive person again? What if I can’t lose the weight and become fit in a timely manner? I won’t even delve into all the past psychological trauma in regards to my own body issues or experiences with guys in this matter.

Anyway, the bf feels that this is temporary. I feel it is contingent on me getting better physically, mentally, and emotionally. And that, though inevitable, is a lot of pressure. Did I mention that I have more itchy red “stress” bumps all over my hands? SEXY.